Totally Homo Pudge And Ronny: Chapter 28

Ronny tore his eyes away from Pudge's gaze, shaking his head, trying to shake the question off. But a couple of tears were flowing down his face. His throat was closed up. He wanted to deny it, but he couldn't speak. He couldn't even look at Pudge.
What was wrong with him? Pudge was gay too! He knew he shouldn't care, but this was a huge issue for him. He had never thought of himself as gay, or wanted to be. He couldn't be gay; his life would be so much harder. How would he even come out, much less deal with discrimination or violence?
"It's okay, Ronny," Pudge said, touching Ronny's hand. "It's okay."
"I...can't...I don't...I just don't know," Ronny croaked, wiping away more tears.
"It's okay. Come on," Pudge got up, grabbing Ronny's hand and pulling him to his feet. Pudge grabbing his hand felt good--too good, almost, for comfort. Pudge hugged him, rocking side to side slightly. Ronny put his forehead on Pudge's shoulder, the tears still coming down. They stayed like that for a long time, Ronny sobbing and unable to speak, Pudge intermittently murmuring soothing words of encouragement. "It's okay. It's okay."
 After about a minute of quiet sobbing, Ronny started to slowly feel a little bit better. He lifted his head, looking at Pudge. "I...I think I'm...I think I might be...I think I'm...I'm...gay," he said finally, the last word sounding very strange to him. He didn't "feel" gay--but what else do you call it? And what was it supposed to feel like? "I'm gay," he added tentatively.
Pudge smiled, crying himself now. "Okay," he nodded. "That's okay. I'm really proud of you, Ronny." His smile deepened, his eyes sparkling with what looked like happiness, and...love? Was Ronny imagining things?
Ronny smiled too, shrugging sheepishly. Pudge still had his hands on his arms--he was still in Pudge's arms, he thought almost guiltily. "I don't really understand it," he explained. "But..." Ronny frowned, starting to feel emotional again. "I guess...I guess I am, apparently."
"Were you watching..." Pudge trailed off, looking at Ronny quizzically.
Ronny nodded. "Yeah," he said quietly. "First time in my life, I...I had to know, for sure." He moved away, sitting back down on the end of the couch.
Pudge sat down about a foot away from him now, facing him. "When did you start to know? Or suspect?"
"Well...I guess it was when you told me you were gay. I thought that I might be, too. Especially because, well, you just seem like a normal guy. Not what I expected, you know?"
Pudge nodded. "I was...I was kind of afraid, when I realized I was, that...that I'd become one of those guys, you know?"
Ronny shrugged. "I wouldn't care, if you were one of those guys." To Ronny's surprise, he meant it. "It might be a little weird, but...it wouldn't really bother me, I guess, in the long run."
"I don't know. I guess in my church, they always taught that men should be men, and women should be women, you know? Or like, everyone should be traditional, I mean. There's different rules and stuff. That's why the stereotypes bothered me, I think. But why are you bothered?" Pudge asked suddenly. "You're not a believer, you shouldn't have a problem with your being gay."
Ronny shook his head. "You don't know my dad. My mom's mellowed, so she'd probably just cry, but if he found out--well, let's just say, I'm glad I'm bigger now."
"What do you mean, bigger now?" Pudge asked softly. "Did he abuse you?"
"Not physically," Ronny said evasively. "Well, almost, one time. It was...it was because of you," he said hesitantly.
"Me?" Pudge exclaimed. "What did I do?"
"Um..." Ronny suddenly seemed to realize that he had said too much. "You didn't do anything," he said quickly, avoiding Pudge's eyes.
"How could he have known, when I didn't even know?" Pudge asked. "Was it because I was a Christian?"
"That was part of it, I guess, but not all of it. Not the main reason."
"What was that about, Ronny? You can tell me. I won't repeat it to anyone."
Ronny looked embarrassed. But what else could he tell Pudge? His eyes were fixed on a spot in the floor as he began. "Remember that time when Ace and the others went away to bible camp, and you and me spent all summer together, pretty much?"
"Yeah," Pudge nodded, smiling warmly. "That was really fun. We were twelve or so, I think?"
Ronny nodded. "I think so. Well, I really liked hanging out with you. You were, like...like my best friend, at least at the time. I don't know what I was thinking, but," Ronny took a deep breath. "I wrote you that note. The one you mentioned before, that you thought was from a girl. I never said anything, because my dad found it, and totally flipped out about it. I didn't mean it that way! At least, I don't think I did!"
"You wrote that note?!" Pudge repeated, in shock. "I thought it was from Suzie!"
Ronny flinched at the mention of the name.
"I'm sorry," Pudge said quickly. "I didn't mean to bring her up."
Ronny shook his head. "I don't get it," he remarked. "I still like girls, too, apparently, so how can I like dudes, now?"
"You're bisexual?" Pudge asked in surprise. "I didn't think that was a real thing!"
Ronny stared at Pudge, cocking his head to the side. "I guess maybe I am. Don't tell anyone," he added.
"Of course not. You haven't told anyone about me, have you?"
"No. Never. I know it could be bad for you. I wouldn't do that to you, Pudge," he said simply.
"Thanks," Pudge answered.