When I went to Christian school, they taught us a song that went, "Read your bible, pray every day, pray every day, pray every day; Read your bible, pray every day, and you'll grow, grow, grow, grow; Neglect your bible, forget to pray, forget to pray....and you'll shrink, shrink, shrink, shrink..." And we would try to become steadily bigger or smaller with each line.
I felt bad just singing the second verse, imagining what a bad and selfish kid I would be if I didn't give God enough time every day. There were a lot of other things that they did at that school to drive home the point that secular (without "Christian" activities) equals bad, but that's one of the things that stands out to me the most in my memory.
All through my childhood and early teens, reading my bible was a duty, a chore which I had to do every day--but I wasn't allowed (or mustn't allow myself) to think of it as a chore, or God would be sad or insulted. This was nothing compared to prayer, which I tried to do constantly, in addition to setting aside as much time as possible (as much as I could stand) to focus only on that, every day.
I thought I would get a reward for all of this, in the form of feeling close to God. When I was about fifteen, though, I discovered that I was trying so hard, rededicating my life to Christ so often that that experience was becoming predictable, and I wasn't consistently feeling close to God at all. It seemed, in fact, that the more I tried, the further away he became.
So I started "shrinking." I couldn't stand the feeling of always "pressing in," as my mother put it, and wondering what was wrong with me, that God didn't want to or couldn't have a relationship with me. I was even saying all of the right things, talking about God almost constantly, in front of everyone. And still I was not feeling close to God at all. But I couldn't admit how I felt very often, or be too upset, because I didn't want to be angry or bitter at God. I had to be spiritually mature, after all.
I started "shrinking." I felt I didn't have a choice, because I just couldn't stand to even look at my bible anymore. I felt like such a bad person, but like I said in another recent post, my grief in this world finally overcame my fear of the next one.
And it turns out I prefer to be small.
I have a kind gay Christian friend, whose husband recently announced on Facebook that he was giving up soda for Lent. My first thought was that I would be very concerned, if my husband was drinking so much soda that it was a sacrifice to give it up (I would make him give up that sugar and substitute another kind of "sugar," if it was me; lots of exercise would be healthier for us both). My second thought was that he was not doing this for himself (or just for himself), but apparently, for God. And I don't think I could do anything "for God" ever again.
Literally, my whole life used to revolve around God. I know that sounds really good, to some people, something to strive for. But I was miserable.
Sometimes I can't believe that I'm "allowed" to read Harry Potter, to listen to secular music, to watch anything I want--to literally do anything that I want to, as long as I don't hurt other people or animals (and I can refrain from smacking another person upside the head, though sometimes it's very hard). I can even think bad thoughts, even about God. I can't believe my newfound freedom.
As much as people try to make it about a "relationship," being a Christian (even a gay or affirming one) usually involves lots of rules, and lots of work. Some people say that it shouldn't be easy, in order to distinguish themselves as better or truer Christians than others. Some people act like it's very easy, at least for them, and look down on those who admit that it's hard. Some even admit that it's hard, but judge others for not wanting to put in all of the work for very little reward (and I'm not talking material things or money, either, but "spiritual" reward, that's virtually undetectable). And some people even seem to have it easy, to the point where I think that they're not really into having a relationship with God.
I used to put away ten percent of all of my money, very faithfully, for a tithe to Christian charities. I was just a small kid when I started, and I really wanted to spend that money on fun things for myself. I remember wondering how much money I would have if I just kept it, or if I put away another ten percent to save. But I gave that ten percent away, faithfully, for many years, because I would be sinning if I didn't. And even today, at age twenty-five, I still have trouble giving any money at all to charity (though I might donate things for them to sell, or help people or animals directly if I can). There's something about money, though, that makes it hurt to give it up.
It hurts to do a lot of things, that I used to do every day, as a "duty." So I don't do them. I once went an entire year or two without even picking up a bible, and then got 100% on a "standardized" bible test I had to take because I was homeschooled through the Christian school. That's how much I used to read the bible, and how much I'm now fed up, for most part, with reading the bible--and other typical "Christian" things.
And just because I'm fed up with these things, doesn't mean that I hate God. I'm just tired of pursuing someone who just doesn't seem to be there. I just want to enjoy my life. And if I'm spiritually shrinking, then maybe less is more.
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