It's A Thorn Made Of Shit

My cat recently had to be fixed because he was chasing his brother very aggressively, and he came back from the vet's the most mellow, happy boy you would ever meet (for one day). I was a little worried, though, because he had a piece of cat-litter gravel stuck to the wound where his nuts used to be, and he didn't look as "empty" back there as I assumed he should.
"Just make sure he's peeing and pooping," the vet said.
So while I was making dinner, my mom cried out happily, "Look! Panda's pooping!"
"Yay!" I smiled, clapping my hands. "Good Panda!"
"He doesn't need cheerleaders," my dad said.
"Yes, he does!" Mom argued.
"If he doesn't poop, he'll die," I explained.
"You know, Shirley Johnson used to have a book about enemas, called 'Remove The Thorn And God Will Heal,'" Dad remarked.
"Shirley Johnson" was the mother of The Mythical Gay from my childhood, whom I met a few months ago online by freaky coincidence. Shirley and her husband were very hippie-ish in their medicine and health beliefs, even when the husband, John, was dying of cancer. (New Age guru Louise Hay says in her book "You Can Heal Your Life" that cancer is created by anger, for what it's worth. I wouldn't use her cures by themselves, though, without mainstream medicine too.)
I started laughing at the image that phrase, "Remove The Thorn," created in my mind. I know quite a few people who seem to have giant thorns up their asses all the time.
"John used to have a bucket that he hung up high to get the right amount of pressure in the tube," my dad continued. "He was really excited when he got this thing that both sprayed water in and sucked water out."
I laughed even more at the thought of this old, homophobic, deeply religious government-hater shoving a tube up his ass and enjoying it.
Then I realized something else: They had perhaps given their children so many enemas that one of them turned out gay! They had apparently washed the love for pussy right out of him.
I guess those authors were right--God did heal him of that!
I can only imagine what poor Saint Paul's "thorn in the flesh" was. Too bad they didn't have buckets and sucker-tubes in biblical times (or, more likely, the middle ages, when the bible was first translated and they were burning gays at the stake, in a TOTAL coincidence!). Then all of the homophobes today would not have any excuses. (Oh, what am I saying? They'd find a holy book to justify it, or make their own. Luckily, their excuses are becoming slowly accepted less and less. America is having its own enema. Maybe God will heal.)