Pudge's Struggle: Pudge And Ronny, Chapter 30

 This is my Accelerated Christian Education fan fiction, the first ever ACE fan fiction, that I know of. To see more of our favorite gay couple, see the "ACE Gay Fanfiction" page at the top of this blog, or my Deviant Art page here.

 

Pudge took his time going home, for he had a lot on his mind. What had happened back there? He had not planned for that to happen! Yet a part of him wondered if he really had, all along. Part of him was very, very pleased he had kissed Ronny--that Ronny had wanted to be kissed!--but that was probably only his sinful flesh. (Or had Ronny kissed him? He wasn't exactly sure what happened. Ronny had seemed to initiate the kiss, but Pudge was the one to finally make it happen.)
 But if he had kissed a girl, then he would have compromised his "emotional purity," so why would it be okay if he kissed a boy? And yet he couldn't get any kind of "accountability partner," to confide in, or he would be kicked out of the church!
Was he forced to slide slowly into sin, just because of the shame culture in his church? They certainly didn't mean to create such an environment (or at least, he hoped they didn't), but it was there, nonetheless. He was beginning to think that one didn't have to hate somebody, in order to hurt them. How many times had he accidentally hurt the people he loved, after all? He was just lucky that his mother wasn't hurt by his being gay. He thought his grandparents might be, though...
He feared the choices he would make, if he were to start backsliding. He didn't want to become promiscuous and irresponsible, get AIDS, commit suicide! Maybe if he didn't want to do those things, he would not do them anyway. But maybe he would become a different person, and Satan would take over his life.
Was he backsliding already? He always feared that he was, and was often very certain that he was. Even before he fully realized that he was gay, he had the constant impression of God being disappointed in him.
But what could he do? He forced himself to read the bible and pray, even when it brought back all of the feelings of inadequacy and being unlovable (loved, perhaps, by God, but objectively unlovable, nonetheless--created in the image of God, but also a filthy, terrible sinner). He was so vigilant against blasphemy and lust in his own thoughts, that he found it very difficult to relax and go to sleep every night. He had never said no to anyone asking for his help, even if he had needed to study that night or if he was giving away a pencil that he himself needed for an assignment. He had never talked back to his mother, not even to ask if he could do his chores later, as he was tired or had homework. It was always "Jesus, Others, You," but very little actual "J.O.Y." He hoped he was not blaspheming by just thinking these things.
He had fought his own feelings for so long, begging God to change him--and it wasn't just his homosexuality that he had begged God to change. Every little thing from getting angry to questioning the authority of Pastor Alltruth in his head, he agonized over. It all seemed so easy to every other Christian. Why couldn't God just make him good enough? He knew he couldn't be perfect, but why couldn't God make him good enough to please Him, at least most of the time?
He often wondered if he was really saved. But he had rededicated his life to Christ so many times that he knew exactly what would happen: He would get excited, promising God that THIS time was going to be different, THIS time he was going to make it work, THIS time he was going to be on fire for God!
But then, slowly, he would find himself "failing" again--and again, and again, and again. He knew he was sincere, or that he at least really, really, really tried to be sincere!
What was wrong with him, that he never felt the peace and joy that he was supposed to feel as a Christian? He knew that joy might be different from happiness, according to his church, but wasn't joy supposed to at least not include unhappiness?
No! No, he wasn't unhappy! Not with God! He was a Christian, and Christians didn't complain about God, or their relationship with God! Christians loved God and didn't criticize Him, or do anything that might be criticizing. He said a quick prayer of forgiveness, hoping that he had not sinned by feeling this way.