Sides A And B: Pudge And Ronny, Chapter 32

This is my Accelerated Christian Education fan fiction, the first ACE fan fiction ever, to my knowledge. You can find more chapters on the "Gay Christian Fanfiction" page at the top of this blog, or on my Deviant Art page here.


 It was embarrassing, the thought of talking to his mother about this, but who else could he talk to? He couldn't talk to any of his friends, or the men of his church, because they were all straight and would only tell him he was going to hell (and he knew that already!). He knew his own relationship with God, though--or at least, how hard he tried to have a relationship with God. And he didn't know what to think, about gay Christianity, but he knew he was a Christian. If he wasn't, after accepting Christ (many times), he honestly didn't know what else to do, to become one.
It was very strange. His mother was a woman, so there was that embarrassing aspect, but she also liked men, so there was that that they had in common.
"So...Ronny kissed you," she repeated.
"Yes," to hear him tell it, anyway. He hoped he wasn't really fudging the details, fibbing, or lying, but there was no use telling her the exact details.
"And you wanted Ronny to kiss you?" she asked.
"Yes. Well--no. I mean, I didn't WANT Ronny to kiss me, but I didn't NOT want Ronny to kiss me, either."
"So you were totally neutral on the subject of Ronny kissing you?"
"Yes."
"Okay. So...this thing happened. How do you feel about this, now?"
Pudge turned red. "I...I'm not sure. I mean...if God IS okay with me being...you know...then there's still the fact that Ronny's not a believer."
"But he did say that he got saved once, a long time ago, didn't he?"
"Well, yeah, but I don't know how sincere he was. And he was a kid, so what if he didn't completely understand it?"
"I don't know," she smiled wanly and patted his hand. "But I do think that God loves Ronny, and He understands his situation, and if Ronny was sincere then, God is trying to get him back."
"I know," Pudge smiled, rolling his eyes good-naturedly. "But what do I do, in the meantime?" he asked, more serious now.
"Well...you know he's just going to pull away if we invite him to church, in spite of him going last week. Maybe we should just invite him to Sunday dinner or something."
Pudge's eyes widened. "Mom!"
"What?" Marcy asked, confused.
"Have you forgotten what I just told you? What just happened?"
"Oh. Right. That. Yes, well...I'm not sure what the procedure here is, Pudge. He's...let's call him, perhaps, an almost-believer? And he's a young man. So...I'm afraid everything I know about courting relates to straight couples who are both believers. I guess we have to figure out what to do about...you know," she nodded to him.
Pudge nodded back.
"I know it's a little soon to ask this, perhaps, but...what do you feel called to do, Pudge?"
"About Ronny? I don't know..."
"No. I mean, about your life. I'm not sure what the right answer here is, Pudge. I don't know if I'm Side A or Side B. But I know your heart is sincere. I know you want to please God. Do you feel called to celibacy, Pudge, or...or do you want to get married?"
"Um..." Pudge's mind was blank; he was unable to speak. "I...I don't know..." he shook his head. "I just don't know."
"If you could, would you marry a man?"
Pudge looked down at his feet, nodding. "I don't want to just...you know. I want to love someone. But I don't want to change my beliefs, just because of what I want. I'm scared to do that," he whispered. "And I'm scared that if I was Side A, as they call it, that I would be doing it. I'm scared of..." he trailed off.
"Of hell," she whispered.
Pudge nodded.
"I'm scared too, Pudge. I'm afraid to disagree with anything Pastor Alltruth says. And if I do disagree, I'm afraid it's not my place to say something, or to leave the church. But I think we'll have to leave, eventually," she added, glancing at Pudge. "I know you, of all people, wouldn't choose this, Pudge. And I know there are some people who kill themselves over this. I don't think they could have chosen it. And I know that merely being gay is not a sin. They would try to change you, and I just can't stand to see you hurt like that."
"It might hurt more, to live my whole life alone," Pudge said miserably.
"I don't believe God wants you to be alone, Pudge," Marcy answered, suddenly realizing that she meant it. "I can't ever see God wanting you to be unhappy. Maybe you are trying to change your beliefs just to suit your wants, but it's not necessarily the case. Straight people have it easy, after all, and they didn't earn that at all! Why shouldn't you have someone, too?" she asked, defiantly. Though a tiny voice in her head was screaming that she was in rebellion and would burn in hell for it, she still wondered why God would outlaw something that harmed no one and gave a lot of people a lot of happiness, even if it wasn't "God's design." She said as much.
"But Mom, supposedly it does harm people," Pudge protested. "It's apparently harming me."
"They told you that being what you are is a sin. They never told the straight kids that. And you can't tell me that straight people are made to struggle as much as gay people are. They have it easy, for no other reason than that they won life's lottery. They didn't do a thing to earn their privileges. So who are they to deny them to you?" she demanded, her anger rising.
"But what if God does?"
"Why would God be this unfair to my baby? Why would he create love, and marriage, and sex, and children, and all of these great things, and then only give them to some? I can't believe that God would not let you be as happy as that arrogant little Ace. I love that kid, but I know how he gets, sometimes. With God, all things are possible--and God could have made you straight. Why didn't He?!"
"I...I don't know," Pudge answered, almost looking scared of her.
"It seems too good to be true, the things I'm reading lately, but...I hope they are. I hope you find love someday." And I pray God burns me in hell, instead of you, if I lead you astray--God forbid, she thought.
"Thank you, Mom," Pudge said softly, tears rolling down his cheeks. "Thank you."
"You know, I too married a man that some people thought God didn't approve of," she confided. "You know your father was Catholic."
"Yes, I know."
"In fact..." she smiled, walking over to the phone.
"Mom? What are you doing?" Pudge asked, a hint of fear and confusion in his voice.
Her smile deepened. "I'm calling Ronny."