Son Of A Buttplug: Pudge And Ronny, Chapter 22

 This catchphrase comes from a conversation between my mom and me. 
Mom: "You're a buttplug, AJ." 
"I'm not a buttplug!"
"You're a buttplug!" She turned to the cat, "Ernie, your mommy is a buttplug!" 
"No!" I protested, "he's not a son of a buttplug!" 
I liked that phrase, so I thought I would include it in my story.



"Son of a buttplug!" Ronny spat to himself as he pulled into the church parking lot. He had never seen so many ugly, printed skirts and stuffy suits. He was being stared at, for his older truck was one of the more battered and ancient vehicles in the parking lot.
"Give me strength," he rolled his eyes, adjusting his tie uncomfortably. Ronny wasn't even sure who he was talking to, and didn't really care; he'd take what he could either from God or the devil. He wondered where in the bible it said he had to wear a noose around his neck just to go visit God. It certainly felt like he was going to his own execution.
With a great effort, he took a deep breath, calming his nerves. He knew what to do. When he swaggered, his hands never shook.
He got out, the picture of self-important cockiness. By coincidence, he had parked next to Pudge's car...


"You know, that sermon last week kind of reminded me of Ronny," Ace was saying. "That's what porn and homosexuality will do to you, you know--that's the cause of it. I've never had a porn problem, never even wanted to see it, and now I'm able to RESPECT my wife," he smiled, glancing at Becky beside him. "I never really feel the need to use her for my own carnal ends. Isn't that right, Christy?"
"Right," she pasted on a smile, nodding uncomfortably and holding her pregnant belly. "Even I have more carnal needs than him, haha!"
"Oh, that sounds nice," Pudge said absently. He was a little envious of Ace and his apparently non-existent temptations. Apparently they had gotten lucky the few times they had done their duty as husband and wife.
"Of course, with Ronny, it doesn't help that he's never set foot in a church in his life, and is never going to, either..." Ace began in his carefully practiced "wise" voice.
"Ronny!" Pudge repeated, startled.
"Yes, Ronny," Ace answered, confused.
"No, Ronny!" Pudge declared, pointing behind Ace.
As if in defiance of Ace's declaration, Ronny Vain was swaggering in there like he owned the place, a silly, cocky grin lighting up his face. His long, wild raven hair was combed back and tamed down, and he was dressed neatly for the first time that Pudge had ever seen. He wore black slacks, a white button-down shirt, and a red tie, which was terribly, irreverently askew.
He saw Pudge and winked at him, then headed towards them.
"Hey, Christy, sexy ankles! Looking good!" he raised his eyebrows flirtatiously, approvingly. Pudge frowned.
Ace's jaw clench.
"Oh, I don't know about that, Ronny," Christy flushed. Pudge thought it wasn't entirely out of embarrassment. "Especially with how swollen they are sometimes, nowadays."
"Maybe I like 'em thick," he grinned goofily.
"Very funny, coming from a man who wears sneakers to church!" Ace said icily.
Ronny shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. "I didn't have any dress shoes. These are clean, so I figured they'd be better than coming barefoot."
"And I didn't know you even had a Bible," Ace pressed.
"It's an old one." Ronny pressed it against the side of his pants, trying not to draw attention to it.
Pudge's heart suddenly caught in his throat;  in spite of Ronny's best efforts, he recognized that bible instantly. He couldn't believe Ronny still had it! He had saved it! What did that mean? Or did it mean anything? It at least meant they were friends, didn't it?!
"What are you doing here, Ronny?" Ace interrupted. "You come here to flirt with my wife?"
"Nope, that's just a nice side benefit. Pudge invited me."
Ace stared at Pudge, surprised. Pudge was surprised himself; he did not remember inviting Ronny at all.
"Well, Pudge and Happy," Ronny clarified. "Said I might enjoy the message."
Ronny apparently knew which buttons to press. Ace seemed mollified, at least for the moment. He even gave Pudge a small, approving smile.
"We better go in already," Ace said briskly to Christy. "Come on, Pudge--Ronny," he added, his voice dropping slightly--it was disapproval looking for a reason.
"Actually, I better say hi to Happy first," Ronny contradicted. There was no way he was going to leave without Happy seeing him, and he would rather sit in on the kids class, anyway. He hoped that the Sunday School was lighter on the hellfire and brimstone.
"Yeah, me too," Pudge agreed quickly.