About a month or two ago, I started reading the book Ambitchous by Debra Condren, and I haven't really been the same since.
At first I didn't think that I was very ambitious, that I had few goals in life. I just wanted to earn some money, and maybe have some time to write. I wasn't impressed by her idea that it's okay to be ambitious--I was wondering if it was okay not to be.
As I got more into the book, though, and she talked about women's tendancy to sell themselves short, and that they were capable of more than they realized, I started to wonder what I would do if I could have anything I wanted.
I remember how I first decided to go back to college: I was watching a movie with my mom, in which a girl turned down a free college education. "I would love to go to college, if it was free," I remarked casually. A few days later, my mom started asking questions about that remark, then said, "If you want to go to college, I'll help pay for it. You can just go to one class per term, for now."
I was ecstatic! I had not realized how important going to college, and having an actual sense of direction and an education, really was for me, until it seemed possible. Then as I gained more confidence, I got up the courage to start this blog, in secret, though at the time I knew she wouldn't approve (it's a little different now), and I hadn't ever kept anything from my mother in my life. That confidence led to the courage to go for and get my driver's license, which I thought would be impossible for years to come.
That one remark changed my entire life.
It was like that reading this book, too. What if I was selling myself short? What if I actually had ambitions, passions, something that made thrilled to get up in the morning? What if I just hadn't found them?
I started telling myself that I was ambitious, even if I didn't know what about, yet. I started focusing on trying to actually make money, in my job, rather than just avoiding losing money.
I soon realized that I had other passions, like art (I found a never-ending fountain of inspiration, for the first time in my life, in drawing nudes and penises--erotic drawings), writing (though I am busy and slow to publish the chapters right now, I am working on many different stories) and auto mechanics (I now realized why I hated working on cars--because it was so intimidating, and I felt like I knew nothing--but maybe I knew more than I thought!).
When I started working on these passions, more came up. I wrote my own monologue for a play which I am trying out for in about a month.
I went through all of my stuff recently, ruthlessly getting rid of huge quantities of clothes, books, and stuffed animals, in order to feel like I had more room in my life, and to enjoy what I had more. Though I had always purged my stuff before, I now knew I could be very aggressive, and that I would not regret it later. I could live without most of those nice things, because I had a better life now.
And most importantly, I knew a friend who was, and is, starting a local chapter of PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays). I thought it would be such an honor to be on the board of it "someday." But after reading this book which encouraged me to be so aggressive about getting everything that I wanted, I thought, Why not now? Why can't it be THIS day?
I had no idea whether I would actually get on that board, but I knew that I couldn't live with myself if I hadn't gone down fighting all the way. At the next Gay-Straight Alliance Club meeting at my college (where I would see this friend, and maybe some board members), I dressed in what I like to call "Rainbow Professional" clothes, and asked what qualifications were required for board members.
"Just someone who has clout within the community, and who is really passionate about this cause," he said.
I knew that the "clout" thing was my only real barrier, other than if they didn't like me because I was too young, but the passion thing I was all over. And as far as I knew, they didn't have an age requirement, or a quota for number of members. So why not me?
"Well, I don't know exactly what you mean by 'clout,'" I replied, after a deep breath, "But I know that I am very passionate about this. I would love to devote my life to this whole...activism...thing," I said. I was worried that I was at a loss for words, and thus would look unprofessional, but apparently it did not work against me.
He told me to write a list of reasons why I would be an excellent board member, and post it on the founder's group Facebook page. So I did.
I mentioned that I was starting a local chapter of the Pink Pistols (an LGBTQ gun rights group). I did not say that I was trying to start one. If somehow it didn't work out, I would simply say that it didn't work out, if asked, and move on to another project.
I said that I was twenty-four years old (which was true), because I know that I look very young sometimes, and that I had been out as bisexual for two years. I fudged on that one a little, since I only started to become aware of it (in a very shocking love-at-first-site scenario with another girl) about a year and a half ago. But I was fully out now (I consider myself such, at least), and another board member had been described to me as "He's openly gay, and him and his partner are raising a whole mess of kids," so I thought it would help if I wasn't freshly out of the closet.
I knew I had dozens of great ideas, and I said as much. Being in the Gay-Straight Alliance, I had been amazed at the many times that I had said something that I thought was too obvious or basic to say, and my PFLAG friend had nearly had an orgasm over it, it was such a "great idea." It was so plainly obvious to me that PFLAG needed a presence in the local holiday parades, for example.
I planned to work very hard for PFLAG, so why shouldn't I have the recognition and help guide it? (I basically said as much, too!)
I knew some of these board members from trying to start an atheist group at the college, which I had given up on, because I was leaving for the summer. As the summer progressed, I realized that the atheist cause was always the second-most important cause to me, since I believe LGBTQ people, on the whole, are hurt more than atheists by society.
I worried that my "flaking" on the atheist group would work against me, so I mentioned it, but then told the truth: That I had realized that LGBT rights are my real passion. So in this way, I addressed the potential problem, and put a positive spin on it.
It even became a strength. I said that I was not afraid to ask strangers to sign a petition. I had gotten over that fear by repeating to myself, over and over like a mantra, "Would you like to sign a petition for a new student club?" hundreds and hundreds of times, since I had the "Hi" part down already. I went to sleep saying that, in my mind, and as I got drowsier, I started asking the imaginary people if they wanted to sign a position for a new stupid club.
I knew that once I was on that board, I would be a very valuable contributor to this cause. I knew I could do my job, and do it well, and contribute a lot of unique and valuable ideas. So whatever I had to say or do to get on that board, without physically harming anyone, was acceptable.
I was able to meet with one board member, a wonderful and very surprising progressive Christian, and got her support. I walked-and-talked with another, who was very busy, and simply offered to add her to the Facebook group, since she wasn't on there yet (she could just see my list, after all, and I wanted to be brief to leave a good impression). I considered asking the board to let me be a member as a trial for a few months, though I ultimately didn't have to do that. I considered demanding, over and over again, WHY they didn't want me on the board, since there was no good reason why I shouldn't be on that board--but I ultimately didn't have to do that.
I became Facebook friends with yet another board member because we both loved the Gay Christian Network and he knew and liked my cousin. I genuinely liked these people, that I was "using," and made some good friends along the way to my dreams.
I left a post up on the Facebook page, thanking two people by name for all of the nice things they said about me (leaving that intentionally vague, to leave more room for the imagination) and saying that I was so glad to have their support to be on the board. They had been nice, and though I didn't know for certain whether one of them was really sincere when they said they would love to have me on the board, I thanked them for their support anyway. If they were insincere, by any chance, I would force them to contradict themselves, and make me not like them, or shut up. By doing this, I would also not only make these people feel good, but make their support and compliments a matter of public record. Turns out this person was sincere, and ended up "Liking" the post. I am the queen of networking.
I was ruthless. I resorted to what I thought was trickery. I acted in what I thought of as a demanding way. And I got it.
If all goes according to plan, I should be sitting on that board when we become an official nonprofit organization. And if it doesn't go according to plan, I will resort to my bag of evil tricks, until they have to call the police to get rid of me.
And this all started because I entertained the notion that I could have absolutely everything that I ever wanted.
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