Still A Tiny Bit Hetero Pudge And Ronny: Chapter Thirteen

Pudge had been silent the entire ride home, as his mother drove. She had not stopped to retrieve their bibles from the sanctuary, saying that it didn't matter, they had more bibles at home. Pudge had never seen her leave her precious bible anywhere--it had belonged to his father.
Pudge had never felt so sick before in his life. His stomach literally felt as if it were tying itself into knots, and he couldn't even look at his mother as they walked into the house.
He tried to head straight for his room. "Pudge, stop!" his mother ordered, gently but firmly, "Let's talk about this," she said, guiding him by the shoulders towards the couch.
"Mom, I don't want to sin!" he nearly shouted. "I don't want to go out and fornicate with some random stranger!"
"Then don't!" Marcy exclaimed. "If you don't want to fornicate, Pudge, then you don't have to!"
Pudge seemed a bit taken aback. "I love Jesus," he said, "You know I do--and not in that way! I'm still a Christian!"
"I know, Pudge, I know," she agreed. "I know your heart, Pudge; I know you love the Lord. How long have you struggled like this?"
Pudge sat down. "Since I was twelve. I thought it was okay, though, since it wasn't that bad, until..." he trailed off.
"Until what, Pudge?" she prompted softly.
"Until Ronny came over," he choked.
She sat down next to him. "Do you like Ronny?" she asked gently.
"No!" he roared. "I don't like him, and I don't want to have sex with him!"
"I know, I know! That's not what I meant!" Marcy exclaimed. "I just meant that he's turned into a nice boy, now."
"What?! How can you say that?"
"Well, he has! I didn't mean anything else, than that he was nice. I could see why you...well, you know..."
"He's not even a believer. And he's a guy! How could you approve of this? Are you telling me to...?"
"I'm not telling you anything, Pudge. And I'm not approving or...or disapproving, of anything. I merely wanted to say that I think your feelings are perfectly understandable."
"I don't have feelings for Ronny!" he burst out.
"I know, honey, I know. I just...well, it's what I'd say to you if you were a girl."
"I'm not a girl, Mom, that's the whole problem!" he exclaimed, turning red.
"Pudge, listen to me," she said. "I don't know what this means, as far as...your life, or what's going to happen, or how this will affect your life. But I trust you, Pudge. I trust that between you, and God, you'll figure this out."
"What...what...what do you mean?" he sputtered. "What are you saying?"
Marcy grabbed his hand in both of hers, looking him in the eye. Her eyes started to fill with tears. "I know you love God, Pudge. I know you love Jesus--but not in that way. And I love you. And I don't know that there's anything more to say, than that."
Pudge slumped against the couch, a strange relief flooding over him. He felt as if his mother had just given him something that no one else ever had. She trusted him, with his own soul and his own relationship with God. No one had ever trusted him before with his own soul--as if he couldn't take care of something so precious.
"So what happens now?" he asked, dreading the answer. "Do I have to go tell Pastor Alltruth?"
"Well...I don't think Pastor Alltruth would understand," Marcy answered. "I mean, he should know that you love God, but...I think if you say the words, 'I'm gay,' he's going to assume that you already..."
Pudge winced at the words "I'm gay," yet he had to agree with her. "It's not 'already,' Mom. And it's not going to happen," he added defensively.
"Of course," Marcy said, quickly. "Still..."
"Still what?!" Pudge demanded. He was right! She didn't understand, after all! She had no faith in him!
"Well, it's just that...maybe we're wrong about certain things..." Marcy explained, studying her hands in her lap.
"Like what? You mean Christians?"
Marcy nodded, took a deep breath. "You know, Pudge, some of the things that Reverend Ray said today...I'm not entirely sure I agree with them. You see, a few months ago, I stumbled upon something, and I've been doing a lot of reading about it lately, this issue, and I've found a lot of interesting articles on the internet, and..." She hesitated. "I must confess something also, Pudge; I don't believe in the Rapture!"
"What?" Pudge stared at her blankly.
"Well, it's just that, those verses that mention it, there's only a few, and they also talk about dead bodies and vultures and stuff! I just think that it would have been more clear, if it was really that important for us to know..."
"So you--you--you disagree with Pastor Alltruth!" Pudge stammered, thoroughly shocked.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. And I hope that if I'm mistaken, I don't get...you know...left behind. But I know Pastor Alltruth wouldn't listen to me, because I'm a lay person, and...well, and because I'm a woman," she added quietly, looking to the ground as if she had said something scandalous.
"But you said that pastors and authorities were put there by God to lead us."
"Yes, but, well, I still think they might be mistaken."
"But they're put there by God! And he's had so much training!"
"Not so much, actually," she whispered. "The ACE teachers' academy is not accredited. It's not a very...a very thorough seminary, with the original Greek and stuff. I've read about it."
"But what does this have to do with...?" Pudge trailed off.
"All I'm saying is this: If we can be wrong about the Rapture, as I suspect we are, perhaps we can be wrong about other things, too. I mean, Jesus did say that two men would be in one bed, for goodness sake!" She covered her mouth shyly with her hands, and they both blushed at the thought. "Maybe this is...maybe this is the way that God wants you to be," she blurted, looking Pudge straight in the eye and squaring her shoulders defiantly.
Pudge stared at her for a long moment, utterly dumbfounded. His first instinct was to dismiss it--his mother had just uttered blasphemy, after all!
But a part of him, a small, tiny part of him, wanted to believe it. He wanted to believe that he wasn't broken, fundamentally wrong, though he feared what would happen (eternally) to him if he actually did believe it. It seemed too good to be true, that he wouldn't have to fight against himself and his own loneliness all his life, while watching all of his unbroken friends find love and happiness. He wanted a family; he wanted someone to love. And he couldn't imagine ever loving a woman the way he was supposed to--the way he thought he could love a man--warped, sinful, and unnatural though it may be.
Maybe Pastor Alltruth was mistaken, maybe he could find love and still be pleasing to God, maybe...
They were both startled abruptly out of their reveries with a sharp, loud knock at the door.