Umpqua: "AJ Would Have Been Martyred!"

 This is embarrassing, because I hit the "Publish" button by accident, before I had actually written this post. Sorry for any confusion.

I went to a family reunion recently, or as I morbidly call it, my "Look everyone, I'm not dead!" tour.
I attend Umpqua Community College, and I had talked to my grandparents that very day to tell them that I was okay. But when my grandmother greeted me with a hug yesterday (our family custom), she said, rather emotionally, "I haven't seen you since all this happened! I am so glad you are all right!" I thought she was making too big a deal out of it, but, well, it was a mass murder, and I certainly am grateful that I'm alive. They probably didn't know that I had my class in the afternoon, either, with the shooting in the morning.
My mom tells me that at one point, my "Uncle 'Phobe" remarked, intensely, "Just think, if AJ had been there, she would have been shot, because she would have said, 'Yes, I am a Christian!'"
Supposedly, the gunman targeted Christians, though I have learned that that was not exactly the case.
I'm not sure my uncle should have said such a thing to my mother, either. The thought of losing a child has to be a parent's worst fear.
And as for what he said, you can probably tell that most of my family does not know that I am kind of, well...not. Sometimes I'm not even sure that the word "atheist" accurately describes me either. I don't really know what I am, but I know very well what I'm not.
As my mom told me this story on the way home, she said, "And I thought, no, she wouldn't have!"
The tone in her voice almost sounded as if she were saying, "You BETTER not!"
A few days after the shooting, as we were talking about it, she had said, "You remember this: I would rather have a live coward than a dead hero!" And when she said it, I felt...loved.

I am rather surprised that my Uncle 'Phobe thought that I would say that. I had assumed that he thought I wasn't a "real" Christian anyway, after disagreeing with him about gay rights. Apparently he thinks that one can be saved, and also be "wrong" about things. That was a pleasant surprise.

I used to be bothered about not being able to express my doubts in front of my family, or even call myself an atheist to my family, but after learning about all of the shit that LGBTQ people have to go through, I rather identify with them, as a bisexual person and an ally, more than I identify with atheists. Whether one believes in God or not is really of no consequence to me now; what matters is how people treat one another. And yes, I did think that religion led to bad treatment, until I met a lot of good-hearted gay and allied Christians.
But I do think it's ironic that if my extended family knew that I would say the right words to save my life, they would worry about me so much more, not less. And that saving my own life becomes a wicked act, when I don't even do it at other people's expense. And even for most of my gay Christian friends, I can't imagine them denying Christ.
What I can imagine, however, is an all-loving Christ being perfectly understanding about things like this. My own mother would rather have me say that I hated her, and live, than to say that I loved her, and die. I know--I asked. And she feels this way, well, because she cares about me.
I wonder what that says about some people's conception of God...