Note: This is not about God killing people and putting them in coffins. You can relax now.
There were many years, after I had a kind of crises of faith, that I didn't know what I was, and I didn't know how my relationship to God was (when I thought of God as real, which was only sometimes). I had tried, and failed, to fit into the evangelical box, and now, because of that, was God done with me--or prevented from having a relationship with me because of my "sins"?
The hardest part about my faith was the praying, and almost constantly talking to God in my thoughts. I couldn't think certain thoughts because they were sinful, blasphemous or otherwise unacceptable, and it was exhausting to keep these thoughts out. I couldn't think of people on TV shows saying "Oh my God," or about the fact that Jesus was probably naked on the cross, and I couldn't have sympathy for LGBTQ people when the subject of hate crimes or human rights came up without an internal caveat that they were still not "doing" (I put it in quotes now, because homosexuality, etc, is what someone is) what God wanted for them. In fact, I couldn't be in favor of gay rights either, even if it made sense to me.
I couldn't think anything bad about the bible, even that it was merely mistaken, and I certainly couldn't think about its disrespect of women and its extra rules for women in church and in marriage. I was proud to be a feminist (because what modern woman is not a feminist, and grateful for feminism?), and strove to be strong and confident as a woman, but I couldn't be too feminist, too outspoken, and I certainly worried about having to "submit" if I ever got married.
All of these caveats, all of these internal sanctions on what I could and could not think, constantly trying to make my thoughts Christian and prayerful, and trying to keep up a running conversation with God (who didn't respond very clearly), were exhausting. And yet I couldn't relax, because I had to be vigilant and take my thoughts captive, and so it became harder and harder to get to sleep. I suffered depression, poor health, and insomnia, mostly because of the mandates of "God."
A woman in my theater class has a nephew with special needs, behavioral and mental health issues, and says that the school district thought of him as a monster because he couldn't fit into "the box" of their expectations.
I thought that God had a tiny, odd-shaped box for me to fit into. I thought I had to be a certain kind of person, a certain kind of Christian, which I discovered did not come naturally to me.
I heard the message to "be yourself" from Christian and secular culture alike, as well as feminist literature. But I couldn't "be myself" too much, because that was my "sin nature." I thought that what was in fact me, was not me, and had to be fought against with all my strength--or I would slip into sin and "fall away" from God, or become a shallow Christian or a bad Christian or a bad person.
This is the big question for struggling evangelicals: How much is "you," and must be embraced, and how much is your "sin nature," and must be vehemently fought against?
Whenever I put "God" in quotes, I am talking about somebody else's version of God. Now I am the things that "God" hates. I am technically an atheist, because even though I have a spiritual side and think of God sometimes, my practical side tells me that there's probably not a higher power for us. Even though I've never even been kissed, at twenty-four, I am very sexual and I have a huge appetite for fantasy and masturbation. I have very strong emotions, and they often come out in strong words and cursing.
I am a woman, and in the bible I get the impression that women are literally damned if they do, damned if they don't. There are so many rules and so much confusion, and women are also literally told, in the bible, that they are more wicked than men.
I think that if God is all-powerful, that she is a bastard, because of all the crap that goes on in the world today, and I refer to God as "she" because I don't think that any good god would be so sexist that the word "she" would be an insult.
I'm not very "feminine" or flirty in my mannerisms, I love to argue, I love alternative points of view about God or gods, and I'm bisexual, which I thought for a long time was just feminism (still a feminist, only now I'm a bisexual feminist). I don't fit in the typical evangelical Christian mold at all.
And it was so hard for me when I started to discover all of this. I spent too many years unsure of what I was, but knowing that I was definitely not a "Christian."
And after I had tried so hard, too! Was it all some cruel joke, that I was destined to fall away from God and go to hell, after having such great intentions? I wanted nothing more than to get close to God, for my relationship with God to be easy and not a constant struggle with myself, like so many people claimed to have. But it was not to be--after all that effort, it was not to be! That was so unfair!
I couldn't even stand to look at a Christian book in a thrift shop for many years. I couldn't even look at a Christian book or a bible, because it was much too painful. I was hurting and bristling every time I glanced at a Christian billboard or cross by the side of the road. I tried to watch atheist videos a few years ago, curious about what they had to say, but I had to turn them off very quickly, because they would start talking about religion--or worse, talking to a Christian trying to witness to them or use apologetics on them. I couldn't stand the subject, because it hurt my heart too badly.
I felt a strong connection with the song "Losing My Religion" by REM, because of the sadness in the words. I wanted to be good, but I couldn't be what I was supposed to be. I couldn't be what everyone wanted and expected me to be, including, I thought, God.
I disappeared into music and thinking of stories about superheroes. To this day, when I hear many REM songs that I know (as well as many other songs), I think of DC's Captain Marvel, and it makes me happy.
It bothers me a lot when people judge me for not fitting into the evangelical Christian box, especially some of my family, but I try to tell myself that they don't know how sincere I was. They haven't been where I have been, they haven't gone through what I have gone through. They don't know how hard I tried, and they don't know my intentions, even to this day.
I just want to know the truth, and if God is anything like what they imagine, I don't want anything to do with him. And if God is like anything like what I imagine, I have nothing against her. I don't necessarily want a relationship with either of them, with what I've been through, and I don't necessarily think that either of them would even exist, but my god would understand.
"But his mind is wide open, and far beyond that of the average kid," my classmate says of her nephew. "And I find that amazing."
I don't fit into the tiny, narrow evangelical box, and I have determined that I will never again try to fit. But maybe that's okay. If her nephew can be amazing, then maybe I don't have to fit into the box to be a worthwhile human being.
And you don't either. It's time to kick the box off the stage.
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