"Your pussy is a crucifix, my cock is like Christ..."
--Aldous Snow (Russell Brand), in the movie Get Him To The Greek.
Why do people want so badly what they can never have?
On an unrelated (and potentially embarrassing) note, I am in love with a devout Christian.
Perhaps there is a hell, after all.
I met him about six years ago, in church youth group. I'll call him Ben for the convenience of the story. He was always a handsome kid, with brown eyes like melted chocolate. But when he trimmed his shaggy brown hair out of his eyes, he was somehow...perfect. He had transformed overnight from a kid to a young man. He grew from roughly my height to a much taller six-foot-four.
I think he idealized me as much as I did him. He carried my bag to the car every night after church and "saved" me during games of freeze-tag played with the younger kids.
I didn't pursue him as much as I could have, because something told me that his parents were the type that didn't allow their children to be alone with the opposite sex. He was also a few years younger than me, and I had just turned eighteen at the time.
He once asked me if I would go on a date with him, in three years when he turned sixteen. I said yes, though the age difference would force me into painful chastity. It's now been about five years. Am I pathetic, I wonder, for still wanting that date?
I know that the age difference wouldn't be a big deal in ten years--or even a few. A shame that our timing was simply off.
I saw him again about six months ago. I was in a thrift shop, and heard someone say his name. A group of kids were talking nearby, and one mentioned, "We should get this for Ben." It can't be, I thought. I looked over, and saw a girl who looked familiar--his sister. I walked by and started looking through the same book bin she was, pretending not to notice her. She gasped as she recognized me.
We hugged, genuinely happy to see each other. I noted glumly that she wore a skirt with a matching jacket, while I was in jeans on a Sunday. I had obviously not just come from church. "Ben's here!" she said. "Hey, Ben!"
He looked different, his body more filled out. He now wore an old-fashioned newsboy cap, cradled perfectly in golden blond curls. The cap made him look like a doll, but I didn't care. There was a bit more maturity in those beautiful brown eyes. I wondered if he knew how fast my heart was beating at that moment.
He was standing at a slight distance, and said, "Hey!" and waved, over-casually. I smiled warmly and went to give him a hug. He did a weird little thing where he wove his body, said, "Whoooaaa!" and pretended to hug the air. He effectively avoided all physical contact with such an action. Just like a pure Christian boy.
"Oh, whatever!" I laughed, waving it off (though I didn't feel like waving it off). With his church friends, at least, he was much more aloof now.
We talked a little. He mentioned that this coming fall, he's going to a small Christian college in a nearby town. Christian college: another reason I will probably never have him. Though he has my number now, I have not heard from him.
I think I know how a relationship with him would go:
Shameful, secretive sex, while publicly professing abstinence (if I even
get sex), calling it "courting" instead of "dating," early marriage,
maybe having to go to his church. I certainly wouldn't be able to be
honest about my real beliefs, maybe not even to him.
None of this
is what I want; none of this is me. I can let people assume, perhaps,
but I can't lie about something as important as religious beliefs and my
feelings towards the Christian god without making myself feel
physically sick. I am not the good Christian girl that his parents would
probably approve of, and this why we will probably never be together.
I often think, If things were different...But they aren't different. I am as sad to see religion have him as much as I would another girl.
I think it's a shame that somewhere out there is a pure
Christian boy who doesn't know that he could be sexually active if he
played his cards right.
For Part 2, click here.
Update: My feelings for Ben have changed. See the later posts, "Crushing On A Christian...No Longer," and "Left For A Loaf, Or Waiting For The 'Next' Guy," to see what happened.
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