When I was in third grade, the cutest boy in my class left my Christian school to start homeschooling. I had liked him, or so I thought, and now he was leaving, so I picked the second-cutest boy in my class to like. My reasoning was, "Well, Aidan is leaving, so I guess I'll like Billy now."
The thing is, Billy was not my first choice, or even should have been a choice at all. He teased my best friend, drawing pictures of her desk as a pigsty (she was not very organized, but I thought she was nice). He was full of himself, and claimed to have a popular toy line named after him. He made it obvious that he didn't like me back (or at least, it's obvious to me now).
But I saw this boy as filling a role in my life, the role of latest crush, one that I apparently thought needed to be filled at all times. I didn't really like him, I realize now; I didn't really like anybody. He was just what I saw as the most desirable pick from among the boys I knew, which I guess wasn't saying much. He wasn't Mr. Right; he was Mr. Right Now, as the cliche goes.
When the guy I liked most recently, Mark, acted as if he enjoyed my company, but failed to call me, it certainly affected my feelings for him, but something else bothered me about him. I couldn't place it at first, but then I realized what it was: Why was he the most "desirable" young man I knew? Why was there no one "better" than him (that I knew of, assuming I might have misjudged someone else)?
What truly bothered me was the question of why there were such slim pickings.
I have read The Rules, the best-selling dating book of the '90s, and its suggestion for when a man does not call is to say, "Next!" and look for someone else. But what if there is no one else? What if you are too lazy, or too busy with your life, to sign up for online dating or go to singles mixers? If for some reason these aren't an option for you (for example, you're an introvert, don't have time, or you're eight), do you then "pick" the "second-best" guy in your social group? Or for that matter, do you just "pick" someone online, who doesn't quite measure up to your standards, just because he comes the closest?
Of course, I think that getting to know someone better, that you may not know that well or may have previously misjudged, is a very healthy thing. But in third grade, I wasn't "getting to know him better." I was "picking" him to like, no matter what he did, not deciding whether or not I liked him. And I have seen grown women who apparently have the same kind of attitude towards men.
A couple weeks after I gave Mark my phone number, another student was playing a video with guitar music on his phone, before class. Mark bragged that he had found a loaf of bread for sale in the cafeteria, explained how much he loved bread, then started happily doing the fox-trot with the half-eaten loaf of bread, to the tune of the guitar music.
Well, I thought, that's either very weird or very adorable. I was leaning towards the former.
He spun around in circles. "I feel very twirly today," he smiled.
Perhaps that was why he didn't call me, I thought smugly, because he's "twirly." I never had a chance with him anyway.
I have to admit, when I saw him dancing with a loaf of bread, I felt a little bit better about myself. Apparently I had dodged a very bizarre bullet. I wasn't unlikeable; he was the weird guy who dances with bread, instead of making a connection with another human being (a little cruel, perhaps, but sometimes I guess I just don't care). What a wonderful gift from the universe this was.
So now, I am not in third grade anymore. I don't have a slot to fill in my life (not a dirty joke). I had thought that a worthwhile man had presented himself, but apparently he proved a dud. And I don't think I'll look around for the "Next" one, either, or pick my second choice. I think I would rather focus more on loving myself.
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