Almost all anti-gay Christians will tell you that they don't "hate" LGBTQ people (as if that makes any difference at all, when you are trying to keep people from having equal rights or forcing them to lie about who they are). They believe that if they feel love for people, that it doesn't matter how much pain they are causing; that if they don't "hate" a group of people, that it is literally impossible to unintentionally or carelessly hurt them.
Most atheists and LGBTQ people and allies (including progressive Christians) know that that is bullshit, that what matters is how people actually are treated. And yet I see both atheists and Christians buying into the same false beliefs when it comes to other groups of people, namely women (or other women) and racial minorities.
The Role Of The Subconscious
I once saw an atheist tell me that most men could not be sexist, because sexism was "the belief that women are inferior." I was very alarmed that he actually thought that sexism was a conscious "belief"!
Most people do not dispute the role of the subconscious in how we treat or see ourselves. Most people would agree that an abused spouse, for example, sometimes stays with their abuser because they believe themselves unworthy of anything better.
Many atheists (and others) affirm that their childhood religion taught them to hate themselves, or to see themselves as unworthy worms, and that though they know better now, it is still a challenge to convince their subconscious mind otherwise. Many atheists still struggle with the fear of going to hell, even though they no longer believe in it--at least with their rational mind.
Even those who aren't atheists often have to work through childhood issues about themselves or how their parents see or saw them. So people generally understand the role of the subconscious mind in how we perceive or treat ourselves.
Then why is it any different, in how we perceive or treat others? We have all had the experience of our parents unintentionally reacting to us as though we are still little kids, even well into adulthood. We understand our parents' imperfect treatment of us, even if they love us and have the very best of intentions. So why do we think that we are perfect?
Racists Don't Know That They're Racist
I don't usually care for people saying things such as "That statement was racist," or "That is sexist," or "You are being homophobic" because though it is almost always true, it often falls on deaf ears to those who think that intentions are magic. I like to say, instead, that something was "unintentionally racist/sexist/homophobic."
Otherwise, people usually respond to such accusations with, "I'm not racist because I don't hate black people," (or "because I have black friends") or, like the example above, "I'm not sexist because I don't believe women to be inferior." Or like a conservative sort-of-friend of mine, "I have homosexual friends and I love them."
But, obviously, intentions are not magic. We know that when it comes to our parents, and how others treat us. Why do we not apply the same standards to ourselves? If one could make those they claim to care about feel better, with minimal or reasonable effort, why wouldn't they? If we want to make people feel respected and listened to, why not...make people feel respected and listened to? But in order to do this, we have to actually listen to people, while showing respect.
Admitting Our Mistakes
I can understand why we would want to distance ourselves from people who actually hate those who are different from them. There are still a few intentionally hateful people left, and those are whom we think of when we are accused of not treating others fairly.
But no one is asking anyone to feel bad about who they are, or to apologize for their privilege. Even if people are accusing you of being hateful, that is no reason to dismiss their comments out of hand, without at least thinking about their points, just because you think you have good intentions.
I think that a lot of people defend themselves so vehemently because they associate privilege and unintentional bigotry or sexism, with shame. They believe that all bigotry is on purpose, and reflects badly upon their character (instead of merely reflecting ignorance), so that if they have racist attitudes, for example, they are "racists," and if they are "racists," then they are evil.
Having racist ideas or attitudes, though, does not necessarily make you a neo-Nazi or a member of the KKK. Having sexist or misogynist attitudes does not necessarily mean that you are trying to make women your slaves (or believe yourself to be a slave to men). And, as painful as this is to admit, having homophobic attitudes does not necessarily mean that you are a member of the Westboro Baptist Church ("God Hates Fags" people), though it is actually alarming how close some people come...
Bigotry (of all kinds) is on a scale, just like sexuality, sex drive, and gender identity. It can also be very much accidental, and you can be a good person (in that you have good intentions) while still having awful beliefs (and not knowing how awful they are). You can also still be a good person while doing awful things, and not knowing how awful they are.
The trick to being truly kind and respectful to people is to listen and learn about others' experience (and don't ever assume that you have "arrived," because every person has different experiences), admit when you make a mistake (and then move on), and, if you claim to love and respect people, to actually try to make them feel loved and respected. There are no guarantees of perfection, of course, but if you do these things, it will go a long way towards promoting respect and tolerance.
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