The other day I actually found myself praying. I was taking a test in one of my classes, and it was little more than a "Please help me," uttered in the privacy of my own mind, but nevertheless it was almost automatic, and served to both make me feel better and haunt me at the same time.
What was I doing? I was an atheist; I knew better than this. I had examined the evidence for God and found it too flimsy to believe. I prided myself on total honesty, on never having to lie to myself or avoid the bitter truth. Why did I still need this leftover superstition?
Afterwards, during a break, I went out on a deck that adjoins the classroom. I was glad to be out there alone, to have a moment to think. I leaned on the railing, enjoying the view of the natural scenery adorning the spread-out college campus. And I was truly grateful that it was not God's green earth. "What am I?" I thought to myself.
From a quiet place within me came the answer: "I am someone who does not want to be alone."
I had suffered a temporary lapse in confidence, and was reaching out for help. I wanted a greater mind than mine guiding my hand. I had wanted, just for that moment, a higher power to lean on.
All of my atheist idols (an oxymoron, I know)--Jaclyn Glenn, Penn Jilette, Hemant Mehta--all seemed so confident, so sure of themselves and their godlessness. What about someone like me, someone who lapsed back into their faith on occasion? What was I to do? What was I?
I decided not to be troubled by own temporary lack of disbelief. It didn't matter, in the end, if I had an imaginary friend and knew it. Perhaps I was simply praying to my higher self, reaching out, or rather in, for comfort as I would to a best friend. Whatever I am, whatever I end up being, I have to be on my own side.
Yesterday in class we had a whole new set of problems. As I dived right into them, I found myself thinking, "Please help me." Then, a moment later, "Wait a minute--I don't need this. I don't need help!"
I could handle it all by myself.
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