Evil?

I once heard a Christian acquaintance describing how a friend of his preferred to go to church late, in order to skip the worship music. "That just goes to show," he said, "that evil can't stand good."
Evil? Maybe the worship music just sucked. Then again, that may just be the "evil" in me talking.
As a child I attended a Christian school which was heavy on the Bible verses. Even when I was a Christian, my eyes would glaze over at the mention of any biblical quote. I was so burnt out, and still am, with the Bible and other aspects of Christianity, that I cringe and feel physically ill every time the subject comes up; it feels like a rug-burn on my mind.
Christians sometimes talk about having a heart that is "calloused and hardened." For many years I constantly worried about myself and my own heart, because the Bible said many things that caused me distress and made me wonder what kind of monster I was serving.
Prayers seemed designed to rob me of any self-worth; I had the impression that God was deliberately ignoring me and taking delight in the pain he caused.
I could never relax because blasphemous or sexual thoughts would pop into my mind whenever I dropped my guard, no doubt because I tried so hard not to think them.
I lived in constant fear of sinning, grieving God, making him mad, distancing myself from him, straying away. I was constantly aware that I was a horrible human being, unworthy of any of his love, a wretched and vile worm.
Finally it all became too much to handle, and I fell into a deep depression.
Looking back on it now, on the other side of the "dark days," I am glad that my faith was broken. It was the first step towards freedom.
There were always little things that bothered me: Why didn't God simply reveal himself to us? Why hide? Why can't an all-powerful god save everyone from hell? What if (when I was feeling really courageous) the Bible was not written by God?
As soon as these thoughts came, I would banish them, sometimes "bind them in the name of Jesus," fearing they were from the devil--or worse, that they weren't.
I can't stand too large a dose of religion, and I know I can't be the only one. Does this really make me evil?

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