How To Respect My Relationship With God

 I wrote an article a few days ago, in which I talked about possibly telling my family to respect my relationship with God, if I must--especially after they find out that I'm bisexual. I was thinking a lot about that entry in the "Bi-Laws," and especially about my ex-friend, Pastor Assclown, and all the other condescending and awful people on the web and in real life.
This site may be called "Atheist Journeys" on its address, but my own journey is a bit more complicated than that, so for the interests of simplification, and being acceptable to my religious family, I refer to my spiritual journey as my relationship with God. I don't think of myself as an atheist anymore, but simply as me. However, I think these guidelines would apply to anyone, atheist or otherwise.
And I don't debate anymore. I am sick of it, especially because most of the people who want to debate, violate many of these guidelines. So these guidelines are in the context of everyday interactions, not debate. I am tired of debate, tired of not being listened to, and tired of inevitably being hurt. In fact, trying to make me debate is another way of disrespecting me and my wishes.

This is kind of a way to vent about the things I've seen and been subjected to over the years, so that's why it's not as happy as some other posts. I also write this mostly for myself, so that I know what I think disrespect looks like--what I will take and not take from others. Hopefully this will also inspire others to think about what they will and won't take.
I don't plan to tell any of these rules to my family, unless I have to. Hopefully, I will not have to. I honestly don't know what to expect from them, much less from each person individually, but I don't want to accidentally convey that I expect them to do these things. But I've got them written down now, so I know what treatment I'm worthy of (the opposite of these things), and I see the warning signs and won't be mistreated.
Here is what I think respect looks like. If you have any other ideas, put them in the comments.


How To Respect My Relationship With God:

1) Don't talk down to me. 
Don't talk to me as if I'm a child in Sunday School, as if I'm a new believer, as if I don't understand Christianity or the bible, or as if I've never read the bible. Saying that you disagree, and why, is one thing, but saying, "No, you're wrong, and here's why," is quite another, and very disrespectful. These are beliefs that I have come to after years of very active, very pious Christianity, after all.

2) Don't try to find something wrong with me. 
Don't ask me if I've ever accepted Christ--as if I simply forgot to pray the sinner's prayer and mean it. Don't ask if I was a Catholic (if you're a Protestant), which is Protestant-speak for "Did you try to earn your way into heaven with works?" Don't try to find something wrong with me or my faith, in any way.

3) Respect my "no."
Don't try to debate me, if I don't want to debate. Don't try to "witness" if I say I don't want to talk about it. Don't try to force a message on me that I don't want to hear. Even if you think that indicates something negative about me--don't do it.

4) Don't make pronouncements about my Christianity/character/relationship with God. 
This should be a no-brainer, but don't claim to know my heart. That is very disrespectful.

5) Don't accuse me. 
Anything starting with "You're just..." or "You just want to..." is probably incredibly disrespectful. Likewise for accusations of idolatry, making God in my own image, etc.

6) Don't make pronouncements about my eternal destination.  
I don't give a crap if you say you think you're warning me. Everyone thinks that they are warning others! If you do this, you won't be in my life. This includes "What are you going to say to your maker on judgment day?" (To which I usually reply, with lots of attitude, "I'll say, 'Thank you very much,' because he will have said, 'Well done!'") 

7) Don't use prayer, or anything else, to be passive-aggressive.
I've never had this said to me, to my recollections, but there is the infamous case of "I'll pray for you" being used as a passive-aggressive insult--either to atheists, or those other Christians who don't agree. But it's not just that. There is also talking about "God's laws," etc. This is much like number one. Don't use Christian or religious rhetoric to hurt others.

8) Don't expect me to believe or listen to you, while you are not willing to listen to or believe me.
If you want me to believe you, when you say you don't hate me, then you get to believe me, when I say I don't hate you. You are too old for the "I know you are, but what am I?" defense.You also get to believe me, when I talk about my own story, or love of God, or anything else. If you don't listen to me, I won't listen to you.

9) Don't use "Christian insults" and think I'm too dumb to notice.
Don't call me "lukewarm." Don't call me a "Cultural Christian." Don't call me a "Cafeteria Christian." Don't ask me if I am anything that you know is considered negative to Christians. Don't ask me if I pick and choose what I want to believe, or if I don't care about God's laws. Don't accuse me of these things.

10) Don't use excuses to do other things on this list. 
I don't care what your excuse is, or how much you love me, or whether you believe you are speaking the truth in love, etc--I'm not taking any of this shit from anyone. End of discussion.

11) And most of all, don't be hurtful. 
I know it's hard to stop and think about your words when you're in the middle of a conversation, but most of what this list boils down to is this: If it would be hurtful for you, then it's probably hurtful for me, too. And, well, don't try to hurt me, for any reason. I shouldn't even be having to say this, to people who try to claim the moral high ground in everything. :) Don't try to hurt me, or others, and don't make excuses for trying to hurt me or doing unintentionally hurtful things (see the last entry). You might say that you would want someone to warn you--but I know that you wouldn't want someone to continue bothering you, if you said no (see number three), even if they believed they were saving you (see number ten).


I'm not sure if someone is capable of treating another with respect, if they do not feel respect for them, especially in religion. I used Christianity, because that's what I'm most familiar with, but anyone is capable of doing these things--even, for some of these things, atheists. But the question of how one feels about my relationship with God or spiritual journey, and how that affects how they treat me, is another matter entirely. All I know is, if anyone in my life (even my family) insists on doing any of these things, for any reason, they're not going to be in my life.

As for anyone else, remember to stay positive, and dwell on good and happy things whenever possible. Lists like this are a necessary part of life, but remember that that doesn't mean that life itself is bad. Vent as much as you need to, and then, when you feel better, try to be as optimistic as you can be. Dwelling on negative things is not good, but sometimes talking about them, to a journal, a therapist, a blog, or simply another human, can be cathartic.
If you have any other suggestions for boundaries, please add them below, so that others can benefit from them. Thank you.