My mother tells me that the last time she saw my uncle, her brother, he wanted to gossip about an acquaintance who, at 72, "decided to be gay" and had gotten a boyfriend.
"Good for him," she said (and the way she related it, I could tell she really meant it). "If he's happy..."
My uncle walked away.
I love my mama.
Ever since then, I've been thinking a lot about how our family will react when or if they find out that I am bisexual. I don't want to hide the fact that I like both men and women--that I am, well, blessed, or at least that's how I feel. (Not that straight and gay people aren't blessed or fortunate, but personally, I feel doubly so.)
This is not the whole of me by any means, but I don't want to hide it; I want to be confident and unafraid to be open about it.
If I ever have a chance, I would love to do what I call a "Pied Piper Coming Out." It's named after one of my favorite comic book characters (who was one of the first gay comics characters, and one of the first already-established characters to be "made" gay), and his very casual approach to being open about who he is.
It was in The Flash Volume 2, number 53, all the way back in 1991. Piper was sitting with his friend, the Flash, on a random rooftop, playing with his pipe (literally, not a euphemism). I will paraphrase their conversation here:
The Flash says, "Hey, Hartley, you're a former villain--have you ever met the Joker?...Do you think he might be gay?"
"No, I don't think he's gay, Wally, just psychotic. In fact, I don't think I've ever met a gay villain."
"Not one?" Wally asks.
"Nope. Well, except me, of course...You knew, didn't you?"
I always loved his approach. He acted like it was no big deal--because it was no big deal.
I want to do likewise. I did shock my grandfather once when I used the term "husband or wife" to refer to my future spouse, but I can imagine him simply putting it out of his mind. (Ironically, that day, after having lunch with my mother, grandmother, and Papa, my mother and I walked into a store where Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach" was playing. I think that explains some of my baby-themed coming out dreams since then.)
My mom says not to worry about them--that my grandfather will get over it if I fall in love with another girl, and that I don't need my homophobic uncle's help to become a mechanic. So this has made me feel much better.
I also had a dream a few weeks ago that I spontaneously developed the ability to breastfeed, without ever having to have a baby. It was amazing! I was making so much money as a wet nurse, and helping babies, without the responsibility of motherhood--until my grandfather found out and was very grieved by it. To him, it was like prostitution, even though I "sold my body" to feed babies, not to satisfy dirty old men. It was not rational at all; it made no sense.
When I woke up, I realized that the dream was trying to tell me something--that his knee-jerk reactions might not make sense, that he might even be hurtful, but that that was not my fault. And that I could try to help him see reason, but that it wasn't my fault if he didn't. This dream really helped.
I also thought of another thing that makes me feel better, an idea which I plan to use in one form or another, even if I only have it in my own mind. I thought I would share it, in case it helped anyone else.
I wasn't sure where I was going with this idea, but it came to me the other night, and I started writing it down. I call it The Bi-Laws (The Bi-Briefs? The Pan Papers? The Lesbian Laws? The Trans To-Dos?...The Gay Agenda?)
They are a few simple rules for how I expect to be treated when they find out. I don't know if I'll give them a copy, or if they would even want to listen to me if I tell them about the rules, but I feel better just having them written down. How I want to be treated is now formally set in stone, and I won't settle for anything less.
Here they are. They are only a few, but they are most stripped-down, important ones:
1) No matter what you say about me, don't talk crap about my friends. Thank you.
2) I don't debate. I will answer questions, though, if you are nice about it.
3) I have my own relationship with God/Jesus, and it is very important to me. Please respect it, just as I respect yours.
4) There is no reason we can't still treat each other with love and respect--like family.
Other than forms of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, which I thought were obviously a no-no, I think this covers just about everything.
Treat me with love and respect--no yelling or other abuse. Treat me with respect, just like always--and I will do the same for you.
Respect my relationship with God (or, my spiritual journey, but that's none of their business). Don't tell me I'm not a true Christian, or try to dictate how I live and with whom I find love (or try to prevent me from finding love). Don't try to make me lie and say that I'm straight, don't try to make me hide in the closet, don't try to change me, and don't try to get me to deny Christ. This covers so much, potentially.
Don't try to debate me--no baiting me with your questions, or asking pointed questions designed to wound me.
Don't talk shit about my friends--no blaming my possible future girlfriend for turning me gay, or my theater friends for making me think it's okay (I thought it was okay years before I ever knowingly met a gay person, not counting my mother's lesbian coworker).
I obviously won't get to explain everything all at once, and I wouldn't want to. But when I encounter behavior that somehow violates one or more these four basic laws, I'll recognize it. And I do want to nicely communicate some of my expectations to them up front, if possible--even if I don't do it in writing. With the one about my friends, I may or may not have to communicate that one right away. I also want a chance to answer my grandfather's concerned questions, but I'm not interested in my uncle's possible questions that are designed to be hurtful.
I will have to think a lot more about how to use this list, but I am glad that I put my rules, the bare minimum of what I will tolerate, in writing. At the very least, I know the rules for others, and I will not forget or second-guess myself. It's in writing now, and it is official. And I feel so much better.
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