I went to Umpqua Community College last year at the time of the shooting. For the first few days and weeks afterwards, I obsessively went through my room, getting rid of things. I cleaned everything in my room that I could. And I spent time with my two new kittens, which my mom bought for herself and me the day of the shooting.
And now this thing has happened in Orlando, which brings up all of the bad memories for me again. Now I'm focusing on cooking all of the food in my freezer and again, cleaning my bedroom. Among many other little, seemingly insignificant things. They have become very significant, all of a sudden.
Cleaning is very good for one's self-esteem, I believe, though I'll share my complete thoughts on that another time. But cleaning enables one to feel good about themselves, regardless of mental or physical disabilities (when they clean as much as they are able to), career or job prospects, money issues, other issues, etc. It gives a certain piece of mind, even when you're only able to clean a little bit, or only a small space such as a counter top. As long as the space is your own, and you do it for yourself and not for others, it is very rewarding, when your life is in chaos, to have or make some order.
I sometimes think that is why I'm near-sighted, if psychology has anything to do with eyesight, as some people think. My world becomes smaller, so I don't have to look at what upsets me.
If I did look at how I felt, I would think, "Okay, I'm upset, worried, angry, grieving, and scared by this--now what do I do with that?" I wouldn't break down; I don't break down. I would just feel unhappy and miserable, and that's it. It's not cathartic, at all; so why be unhappy, if it doesn't lead to any kind of closure or feeling better?
Sometimes I feel sad--grieved--for seemingly no reason. And I think it's because of having to deal with two shootings in one year, and the year is far from over now. A friend on Facebook remarked that she didn't even have time to get over one shooting, when she had to deal with another. That is exactly how I have felt, for what seems like years. I always seem to have multiple great losses stacked on top of each other. And I wonder how many of them I'll have to deal with in my lifetime, and whether I can ever have just a few years of peace. For once, being young does not seem like a benefit.
The world is getting better and worse at the same time. If this keeps up, almost all of the population will soon be wearing rainbows for equality--on our everyday wear, or what we currently know as bulletproof vests. I understand now why movies set in a dystopian or apocalyptic future are so popular; they are much like our own world. It's the same old shit, served up in a different way so that we don't get bored or burnt out on it.
So I focus on the little things. I get rid of some hats that I no longer like. I try to use up all of my beads. I watch more TV as an escape. And when I feel sad, I talk with my mom or allow myself to cry on the inside, even if I can't on the outside. I just focus on the little things, things I can control, and that's what keeps me going. Sometimes that is all I can do. So I focus on these things, and that makes life a little more bearable, at least for a time. And sometimes you really must take it one day at a time.
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