I have not really posted since there was a shooting at my school, Umpqua Community College, last October. The shooting, and what happened afterwards, really changed things for me. I had trouble being there, after a few weeks, and just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible after my classes. I don't go there anymore, after the fall term ended.
Right after the shooting, I wrote an article for the Friendly Atheist blog, about being an atheist at Umpqua, and how God very much was at that school (in spite of the shooting), if the religious culture of the school and surrounding area is any indication.
But the truth is, though I considered myself an atheist last spring, which is what the article refers to, I don't really know what I am, anymore.
I was a devout evangelical about twelve years ago; then ten years ago, when I was fifteen, my family was going through some very uncertain times, and I begged God to give me peace, until I was too numb to pray at all. For a long time, I literally had anxiety attacks if I had to listen to a fragment of a sermon, or if I saw a bible. If I realized that the book I had picked up was a Christian book, I threw it down as though it were on fire, and fled to a different part of the thrift shop. It was too overwhelming, to think about how hard I had tried to get close to God, for so many years, without any apparent, lasting success.
About maybe two years ago, I confronted a commenter on an atheist blog, thinking that he was sugarcoating the notion of hell. He turned out to be a universalist, to my surprise. I reluctantly said that MAYBE I was okay with God, IF hell didn't exist.
But I still hated religion, for what it did to women, children, and LGBTQ people. My new universalist friend, I thought, was either totally naive, or totally apathetic and not wanting to face reality and the terrible ways it affected people.
It turned out to be neither--he was gay himself!
I've met a lot of nice, gay Christians since then. I even joined the Gay Christian Network, to meet even more. They're some of my favorite people, and some of the nicest and funniest people I know.
I'm not sure what I am, myself. I don't think the atheists would have me, anymore, because I hope God is real, and good, or at least, that there's an afterlife. And I trust my own instincts and feelings, whatever they are, and not just "logic."
And I don't know if most Christians would have me, since I won't say, "I KNOW God is real, and I KNOW Jesus is God, and I KNOW Jesus was real!" Some people, I know, think that one has to be that certain, in order to have salvation, but I would feel like I was lying, maybe even lying to God--again, if God is real. I also can't be bothered to try to get close to God, anymore, because I've realized that, in my experience, I don't get anything from that effort. And no, I'm never going to give it "one more shot," because I've done that literally hundreds of times over the years. Life is too short, and as far as I know, I only get one. This hamster is tired of pressing the experimenter's bar, and getting nothing in return.
Terms like Buddhist and Wiccan definitely don't feel like they fit (they haven't even been in my experience), and I don't feel fully comfortable calling myself either a Christian or an atheist--though I can argue as either one, believe it or not, and feel like either one, in the moment! :-)
And I am NEVER going to let anyone tell me that I can't be a Christian because I'm bisexual, or because I'm pro-equality! I argued my way out of an old friendship on Facebook, recently, because he tried to do just that, and I don't regret it one bit! :-) One of my new, gay Christian friends even checked up on me, and we bonded over how awful and arrogant this person was, it was great! :)
So I changed the blog name from Atheist Journeys to AJ's Journeys, because I'm just AJ now. And that, I believe, is more than enough. :)
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