Pastor Assclown Is NOT My High Priest!

I recently unfriended someone on Facebook, whom I had gone to school with since first grade. He is now some kind of pastor-intern at a local church, and has a wife and newborn, and so he thinks he knows everything. I'll call him Pastor Assclown, because it's unfortunately not inaccurate.
Pastor Assclown said absolutely nothing about all of the pro-LGBT memes and links I shared, for a few months, then he said he absolutely had to say something, when I shared an article by an affirming Baptist pastor. In other words, he was the big fat hero, bravely defending the faith from...people who want to be good Christians and have a relationship with God.
A lot of things were said, and I would rather not revisit most of it, but a couple of things stood out to me. He said he didn't care what unbelievers did (Yay for marriage equality, I guess?...No, not likely...), but that it bothered him when believers believed this way. "I assume you call yourself a believer?" he asked me.
"We went to the same Christian school," I replied, "I don't 'call myself' a believer, I AM one!"
I didn't feel like I was lying to him, either, even though I wouldn't fit his definition of a Christian, for several reasons, not the least of which involves calling him Pastor Assclown (it's cathartic, and makes the thought of him easier to deal with, plus it's accurate). But I'm just as "Christian" as he is, just as close to God (if God is real), just as likely to be right. I will NEVER let anyone tell me what I am, or what I can and can't be!
He mentioned that some of the things we think we want, don't bring us lasting joy. I told him the truth: That some of the most joyful and loving people I knew were gay and lesbian Christians, in loving same-sex marriages.
Then one of them showed up in the conversation! I magically summoned him, somehow!
He was the one who eventually checked up on me, privately, to see if I was upset by the "pastor" who's a year younger than me. I was so touched by the thoughtfulness of this. I remember thinking that his husband was a very lucky man.
Assclown said that he missed my kind friend and his family in church.
"Then fellowship with us!" I replied, exasperated. "YOU are the one trying to exclude US, not the other way around!"
Then he went on some extremely condescending tangent straight out of the Typical Preacher's Handbook, about how as his daughter grew up, there would be times that he would have to say no to her, and even spank her (yep, spanking). I was alternating between getting angry at his arrogance, and laughing at him, thinking, "You have a wife and child--why do I feel like I've grown up, and you haven't?!"
His tangent was not cool, in my book. And since my kind friend had joined the conversation, I was now part of a team--it was us. "We are NOT wayward children, that have to be disciplined or spanked by the church--we ARE the church!" I roared.
I may not know exactly what I am or what I believe, but I don't need help figuring it out from people who don't accept me as I am, thank you very much. I'm bisexual, and bi-religion; I can argue as either a Christian or an atheist, and feel like one in the moment--and I don't think the two categories are opposites or exclusive of one another, either. I can be both at the same time. And I am, even if I only choose to reveal one side of me.
Pastor Assclown actually said, at one point, "I don't know where people get the notion that we're not supposed to judge other Christians, anyway."
I knew I had this in the bag, right then. Paul, who is used so much to justify judgment and condemnation, was now my friend.
"Who are you to judge another man's servant? To his own master he stands or falls," I quoted, then added my favorite part of that verse, "And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand."
"Context is everything," he objected, "It was talking about eating certain foods."
"No, look closer!" I answered, "It also talks about thinking certain days are more holy than others, etc. So it gives examples, but is meant to apply as a more general principle. Besides, since when do you care about context? You didn't care that Paul was talking about pedophilia and idolatry!"
I didn't hear from him after that. Good fucking riddance, Assclown! Go away and never come back!
I may not know for sure if God is real, but I do know this: Just because you believe in something, does not mean that you know jack shit about it. Just because you believe in God, doesn't make you an expert on God. I do not need his permission for anything, especially for being a Christian or having a relationship with God. Assclown is NOT my high priest, standing between me and God. No one is. And no one ever will be.