Around this time last year, my mother got tired of my discussing religion all of the time, and said that she did not want to talk about it with me anymore (we talk about it all the time again now). She had always been the only one that I really felt I could confide in, and I had been thinking about this subject a lot, discovering so many new things thanks to atheist personalities on the internet.
And now I had no one to talk to about those things.
I was pretty desperate. I had to do something.
I had so many thoughts about the blogs I read and the videos I saw, and the ideas they presented, but the thought of setting up various online accounts and sharing my opinions with strangers was very intimidating. I wondered if my reasoning was sound or if I would look dumb.
But I had so much to say, and think about, and I wanted something of what these other people had: A forum for their thoughts, a community of like-minded people, the respect of others. Someday, I wanted a blog, or to write a book, or to make videos. But the thought of figuring out how to go about any of these things, and put my thoughts out there, was daunting and confusing.
Someday I wanted to have a small piece of the internet, and I wanted the courage to share an important part of myself with others. And now I had nowhere else to turn, if I wished to discuss matters very dear to my heart.
Then late one night in May of 2014 I decided to take the plunge. Reading about religion and atheism just wasn't doing it for me anymore. I had to do something more, and this time (for the first time in my life) without the support of my parents.
I was extremely nervous, afraid that my dad would find out what I did on his computer (I didn't know if he would care, but I didn't want him, or anyone, to know, because I was venturing into unknown territory). This was the first time that I had made any major decision without my parents' knowledge, and it felt like a huge rebellion. I worried that this was the wrong choice, I worried that my mother would hate what I did if she found out, I worried that I would say something I regretted or reveal too much about my loved ones.
I have always known that she loved me, but she didn't seem to understand why I was so fascinated with the subjects of religion and atheism. I think she thought that I had an unhealthy fixation (maybe anger or bitterness over what had happened to me), and she may not have understood how important this was for me.
"What am I going to do?" I thought when she said that she did not wish to discuss these things anymore. "She is the only one I can confide in, and now I have no one."
So, with much trepidation, I got myself another Gmail account. Then I used that to get myself a Blogger site of the same name. Unfortunately, it was very late at night, and I spelled both of these as "Atheist Journies." I was able to correct my mistake; however, I have a now-defunct blog named "Atheist Journies," and an unused email account to match.
I had wondered for a while what to call my blog, what my handle online would be, what I would write about, and if I could keep up the writing regularly, or if I would someday run out of things to say.
I wanted a username online that would be emotionally significant to me, and that I wouldn't outgrow in a few months or years. I often wondered what made people choose names like "Angry Atheist," "Atheist Canuck," or "The Darwinist." I didn't really feel strongly towards words like "reason," "Darwin," or "logic." I wanted something that fitted me, not just atheism.
"I am an atheist now," I thought. "Though I never thought I would ever be here, years ago. And I don't know what I'll be in a few years, though I think I have an idea of it..."
Basically, this was where I was in my journey.
My life has changed so much in the past year. I have changed so much. I have my driver's license, after years of not having the courage to take my test. I am trying to start an atheist club at my community college (which is why I haven't been publishing very frequently lately), and having to approach strangers, admit that I'm an atheist, and ask for their signatures for the petition (and it's scary, but I'm slowly but surely doing it). I am publishing Accelerated Christian Education gay fan fiction, which as far as I know is the first ACE fan fiction on the internet. I am on Twitter and Disqus, and often debate Christians on these forums.
My mom asked me recently what I thought had made me so confident, in the past year. I knew, but I'm afraid I didn't answer the question with complete honesty. I confide almost everything to my mom, but for once it's nice to have something all to myself. It was one small act of independence, and it led to many bigger things.
My point is this: If you're thinking of starting a blog, whatever the subject matter, please do. You won't lose interest, if it's something you're passionate about. It will make you feel more independent, if that is what you need in your life. It will give you a place to share your thoughts, if that is what you need in your life. And the thought that your ideas and opinions are "published," for the world to see, even if you are the one publishing them and only a few people see, will give you a bit more confidence than you already have. And if you publish anonymously (as I am, for now, though I don't plan to always do so), you can be yourself, where you might be afraid to otherwise.
I still struggle with confidence issues, and I still wonder often if what I say is dumb. But I have come a long way, and I would encourage anyone in my former position to take that first step. You won't regret it.
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