Doubts About My Doubts: Am I A "True" Atheist?

I always try to keep an open mind about the possibility of a god existing, and I think often on Youtube personality Rob Dyke's admonition to "just talk to God," (I wrote a post about it a couple of months ago, What Is A Religion?) and how he seems to say that it's okay to cuss God out. Sometimes I even try to "talk" to God. Here is the first thing I usually think of:
"God, I'm still upset that you didn't show yourself to me when I asked you to, multiple times, years ago...or really, begged you to. Even a sense of peace eluded me. Why would you do such a thing? Why would you ignore me? And no, I'm not going to capitalize 'you,' I don't think you deserve it..."
I have seen very flimsy evidence that there is a god, seemingly always either an appeal to emotion or circular reasoning. From the evidence I have available, I don't think God is likely to be real.
But when I think about what I would say to God, if I were to have such a "conversation," the first thing I would say would be that I was upset with him. I've been told by some Christians online that I hate God. That I know he exists, but I'm mad at him, so I play a childish game of ignoring him, which also makes it easier for me to sin.
But I've also heard atheists argue that you cannot be mad at someone who doesn't exist. Yet when I "pretend" that he is real, in my own mind, I am bothered emotionally by his behavior, by his distance.
And I wonder if I'm just doing what I think God did to me: ignoring him entirely. I also wonder if I'm just programmed to think in terms of "hating God," as an atheist. But "hate" is a very strong word, and I don't want to waste my life hating anyone. I would rather be happy, whenever I can. "Hate" is not the right word to describe how I feel about God (when I pretend that he exists). It's more like the feeling I get when I'm upset with a loved one or family member, when I have to say something about what bothers me.
But with everyday people, when you say something, you know they've heard you, hopefully they'll respond, and you'll be able to have a conversation about it. With God, I feel like I'm speaking in an empty room. No closure.
Maybe I do believe in God, I think sometimes, if I have feelings about him...But why is my "belief" full of doubts? If I truly believed in God, would I really have doubts about his existence?
When I first started thinking that I was an atheist, I decided that I would not be "married" to the label like I was when I was a Christian. I was constantly trying to "prove" I was a Christian, doing mental gymnastics to justify my beliefs logically and morally, and dismissing opposing arguments that made sense with the almost pleading thought that it wasn't true, it couldn't be true, because it was contradictory to the bible, or to what most mainstream evangelical Christians believed.
(I now reject arguments sometimes because they contradict what I believe about the world or a loving god, which is a huge difference and feels so much better; for example, I believe a loving God can't be against homosexuality because it hurts people to believe that their desires for love and physical connection are evil. A theoretical God wouldn't want to put people through that.)
I occasionally hear Christian arguments that stump me, and wonder if I'm not as smart as other atheists who seem to have ready answers for everything. I'm also not sure I can change my entire view of God, science, morality or the bible based on one argument alone. Oftentimes I get confused, and don't know what I believe, though I seem to know what I find unbelievable or unacceptable. (My very first post, When You Don't Feel Like An Atheist, was about a similar subject: praying in my mind out of habit, and the ensuing confusion about what I was.)
When I was a Christian, I was afraid to admit that I had doubts, for fear that I would be looked down upon by fellow Christians or be a bad witness to nonbelievers. Now I wonder if other atheists will think I'm dumb, or if Christians will jump on the chance to say, "See! You know there's a god! That's why you're confused!"
But why, then, did I feel this way when I was a Christian too?
If a Christian came to me, struggling with doubts about their faith, I don't believe it would be right to try to deconvert them, or say, "See? I told you so!" I don't know why they're confused, so it would be incredibly arrogant for me to think I do.
"I'm sorry," I would say. "I have been there. It's not easy."
I would perhaps tell them that if God were real, he would know their sincerity, that they're really trying to please him. That they may not end up an atheist like me (which would probably be something they fear, "losing their salvation"), but even if they do, it will be all right. Above all, I would tell them that either way, we were still friends, and that I wouldn't have a preference for how I want them to be.
And I wouldn't assume that if they sought the truth long enough, they would become atheists.
There's a reason I called my blog Atheist Journeys. Since at one time I didn't think I would ever be an atheist, I can't say for certain that I won't also become something else one day (though I don't think I'll ever again be the kind of fearful Christian I once was). In a way, I do consider my atheism to be a phase, a phase I may be in for the rest of my life.
I imagine I will always have beliefs, and doubts, and even doubts about my doubts (though I wouldn't go so far as to call my double-doubts beliefs). Maybe someday I will even find a way to make sense of them all.

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