This is a response to Gianni De Micco, a Christian writer who, through a series of Twitter conversations, has tried recently to convince me of the existence of a god. After a couple of interesting and respectful exchanges (August 23rd through 25th), he generously offered to send me a copy of his book, wherein he recounts his experiences and the "miracles" he has witnessed. This is my response to him. I will put links to his blog and Twitter here. If you wish to tweet him, please be as respectful as possible, as I've probably caused him enough headache already.
Hello Mr. De Micco,
Sorry I took a day or so to respond, as I was trying to compose my thoughts properly. I'm sure you understand that I needed a bit of time to think about what you've said and give it due consideration.
Thank you for your generous offer to send me a copy of your book. I really do appreciate your concern for me and I know you're just trying to save my soul. As for the book, I will have to think about it, because I live with my parents, who do not know I have my blog, and I live in a small town where there are almost no atheists.
A lot of people have differing definitions of what
atheists are or what they believe. Believers even have their own
definitions, sometimes to manipulate us or make it seem like we
subscribe to beliefs that we really don't. I'm not sure what you might
have been told by pastors or speakers, but here is my definition of
atheism: I believe that God is less likely to exist than he is to be
nonexistent. In other words, I believe it is more likely that a god does
not exist, than that one does. That is why I believe the label of
"atheist" is appropriate to describe myself. I have not heard other
atheists use this definition, but this is my take on the subject.
You said that reading your book would tell me of your experiences and make me understand everything about your message. I'm not sure, though, that someone else's experience of Jesus is going to convince me. Like I said before, there was a time that I begged God to show Himself to me, or even just comfort me with the sense that things were going to be okay, which didn't happen.
I am convinced now that there are some people who are inclined to be spiritual, and some who are not, and that I fall into the latter category. I trust that a god would not condemn me for that. I know that I have tried everything I could think of to get close to God, without apparent success. I have a bit of closure in knowing that.
You speak of God's love; but I presume you believe, as most Christians do, that unbelievers will burn in hell? I have thought about this extensively, and even though hell was supposedly not made for humans, I simply can't see how it could be a just punishment even for Satan and his angels, as never-ending torture seems grossly excessive even for a celestial coup d'etat. The concept of "infinite punishment for finite crimes" seems to apply even for the devil.
But let's assume for a minute that God is as loving as you say and that hell is not an issue. Does God supposedly loving me make Him more likely to exist? I would have to know He exists before we start talking about His attributes. I know you have had experiences which have convinced you that He is real, however I have had different experiences, and if He revealed Himself to you in some way, why wouldn't He reveal Himself to me as well? I know my heart was sincere and I truly wanted to believe (though I'm not so sure now, as Christianity doesn't seem all that it is alleged to be).
You said yourself that you struggled with doubts as well. Perhaps your experiences weren't as convincing as you remember? You also described the process of putting aside your doubts as "silencing the brain." Most people believe that the thinking processes of our brains are how we arrive at objective truth about the universe and the world around us. For this reason, I don't think that silencing my brain would be a good idea.
I have been to your blog, and mostly I have found pictures of biblical images in wood grain. If these are the "miracles" that you say you have seen, I'm not sure I could be convinced by them, since as a species we are wired to recognize faces and familiar images, even in inanimate objects.
I don't want buy "fire insurance." I don't want to comfort myself with something that could be an illusion. I don't want to profess something I don't believe in, because I feel that would be dishonest. It would also make me feel physically ill, having to "lie" about something so important. I want to be completely honest with myself, with others, and possibly with God. That is partly why I don't fear God so much anymore, because if I state my real doubts there's no possibility of "lying" to Him or being a "bad" Christian (strange as that may sound to some).
I have stated before that in one way I trust God more now that I'm an atheist. I trust that a loving god would not condemn me to hell for all eternity for something that I cannot in good conscience do (profess something I don't believe in). I trust that an omniscient god would understand that I have done everything I could to believe in him, and the rest is in his hands. I also trust that a god who is "not willing that any should perish" would not let me die without knowing the truth.
I'm afraid you're just going to have to leave me to my unbelief for now. Though I am open to the possibility, it doesn't look like I will change my mind. I would certainly be convinced, though, by any direct evidence of a deity or personal experience of one (if the experience was presented in such a way that I knew I was not hallucinating or imagining it). I do not deny the fact that you may have had some very powerful experiences yourself, but the experiences of someone else are not likely to convince me. All that would be "proven" was that God had appeared to you. I would be forced to conclude that God did not want to appear to me for some reason.
I have taken the liberty of publishing this response on my blog. I thought you wouldn't mind, since our conversations up to this time have been public, and I link to your blog and twitter account. Though people who read me are mostly atheists, I will ask them to be respectful when tweeting you.
Thank you for your concern and the interesting exchanges.
--A.J.
What do you think of this? Leave a comment below, or send me an email at: atheistjourneysblog@gmail.com
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