Closeted Clues

"You want to see my brother's homosexual car?" my mom smiled at my dad as we pulled into my grandparents' driveway.
When my dad saw the red Volkswagen convertible, he cracked a huge, genuine smile. "Oh..." he shook his head, and I could tell he was belly laughing, because when he really, truly laughs, he is completely silent, like me.

We went in, and after hugging everyone, I sat on the couch, picking up a book from the coffee table and skimming through it. The book was a Christian book, all about renewing one's mind. I looked at the table of contents, wondering if it would mention homosexuality by name, though I couldn't find any mention of it specifically. It did overtly say, however, that one could change some very significant, "sinful" things about oneself.
Later, my Uncle 'Phobe came in, and started talking to my mom. He was telling her all about the "great book" that he was reading, specifically mentioning that it was about renewing one's mind. He used his dramatic, reverent voice, so I could tell that he really bought into it and invested a lot of emotion into what this book promised him.

I thought of all of the ladies he was dating lately, and how none of them seemed good enough to get past a few dates with him. One's child didn't like him, which my mom said was a very trivial reason. Another was too chubby, and he didn't even ask her out, though I met her and she was very funny and good-looking, like my mom told him (I've also met him, and he is bald).

A few weeks ago, he was eager to tell my mom about yet another date, where "we just had fun and joked around, like you and me do. That was the most fun I had on a date in a long time!"
Anyone can joke around, I thought later. Even a sister, or someone like a sister.

"He likes tall, athletic-looking women," my mom remarked once.

He has had two divorces.

And there's a reason that I call him "Uncle 'Phobe." There's also a reason that my blog is anonymous.

I have never seen someone so emotionally invested in an anti-gay stance. My mom says that in high school, he got really upset and angry at the thought that someone would think that he and his friend were gay, when they palled around together. She says he was very self-conscious about the possibility, though she doesn't know where he got the idea that that could happen.

He absolutely loves the movie Rocky Horror Picture Show, though, as he says, "The plot just disgusted me!"
(I've recently thought of a catch-all response to sentiments such as that: "If that's how you feel, what are going to do when I come out?" He might ask if I'm a cross-dresser or something, and I'll say, "I can't tell you--that would spoil the surprise!")

He has said before that he's with "Fred," his pastor friend: "If you're going to be gay, stay in the closet!" (Again, "What are you going to do when I come out?")
I know that people get very mad when they work very hard for something they feel is their duty, and it seems to them that other people are shirking their duties entirely, like the story of Mary and Martha in the New Testament.

He is not a very happy person. He becomes angry very easily. Occasionally, he gets mad at God. The rest of the time, he is super-spiritual, as if it's an act for both us and himself (I've done that act before too, though not anymore, and I can spot it a mile away). 

One time a few years ago he told my mother about going to get a prostate exam. (Yeah, he really did--in my family, nothing is too personal, as far as medical information. I remember my grandfather once complaining to my mother over lunch, "Oh, Tea Pumpkin, I just can't push nothin' out!" He talked about his fecal failure while we were all eating lunch.)
My Uncle 'Phobe said, of his prostate, "The doctor laughed and said, 'Well, 'Phobe, you're not gay!'"
My mom later informed me that in order to examine the prostate, the doctor must cup the balls in one hand and stick a finger of the other hand up the butt. Then the patient coughs.

I remember being on a panel, in the local newspaper, for teens, when I was in (homeschool) high school. One of the questions we were assigned was, "What do you think about the news of Dumbledore being gay?"
I usually went over the word limit, sometimes very much so, but this time, I didn't know what to say. I had not allowed myself to read Harry Potter books, when they came out, because though my parents would have let me, both I and my mother thought they were demonic. I was very conflicted about my Christianity, where I stood on issues like homosexuality (caught between where I "had" to stand and where I really, really wanted to stand), and wanting to be a Christian, of some kind, but knowing that I seemed to be a heathen, no matter how hard I tried not to be. And I knew my very evangelical, conservative family would all be reading whatever I wrote.
My response was this: "I don't know who Dumbledore is, but if he's gay and happy with himself, more power to him! His lifestyle doesn't affect my life, so why should I worry about it?"
That was the tiniest response I had ever written. And it was as neutral as I dared to be (I couldn't even imagine having the courage to be affirming, much less being partly gay--bisexual--myself).
I didn't know what to say when I was asked about it later at a family gathering. My mom explained, "She didn't need to seem like she was gay-bashing."
One of my other uncles gently teased me, "Hate the sin, love the sinner!" I wasn't quite sure that it was a sin, though I didn't dare say that aloud.
My Uncle 'Phobe laughed and said, "Go, baby, go!" I was deeply humiliated that he was cheering me on for something that I would never do.
He has said stuff like, "You can't get around the fact that the bible says it's an abomination--I'm just saying!" (I later learned that the bible calls shrimp an abomination four times more than it does homosexual sex. I've also learned more about the New Testament, and I think the issue is murky at best--I will talk about it more later.)

Based on myself, I know that the gay runs in my family, though it might be partly or wholly on my father's side.

And these are just a few interesting things that I could think of, off the top of my head.

"You know, he would be so much happier if he was gay," my dad said on the way home from our visit. "He'd be more of a catch, too, with how close he is with his mother."
"Maybe in our small town, though not in San Francisco," I joked.
"Well, yeah, where the men are scarce. He's not ready for the big leagues," he answered.

There's a stereotype that the most raging homophobes are vehemently fighting their own feelings for other men or women. I don't know how true that is--how can one even begin to know, when all kinds of people are often in the closet even to themselves?
I do know one thing, though: If it is true, then it would make things so much simpler, in life. And my dad is right--it would make my Uncle 'Phobe a whole lot happier.