"I Can Hear It In Your Voice"

I recently attended a "Safe Space Workshop" for LGBTQ allies at my community college. At one point we talked about families, and I mentioned my own, wondering how they would react if they knew I no longer believed. My parents are supportive, but my extended family often bothers and worries me.
"I can hear it in your voice," the woman in charge of the workshop nodded. I had not realized that my voice was cracking so much.
Part of the problem is being physically afraid of one relative, due to being picked on by him ruthlessly as a child. Though he of course has some good qualities, he is the most homophobic, in my estimation, and the one most likely to be condescending and arrogant about any differences in belief (as he has before, even when I was a Christian).
On one of the last few occasions that I saw him, Fox News happened to be playing in the background (which my grandfather was watching), and the subject inevitably turned to everything that is wrong with Obama. One of the pieces of evidence, that Obama was becoming too powerful and forcing his communist-like "agenda" on America? The fact that he promoted the idea that "being gay is okay."
"And I'm with Tim on this one," my relation added, talking about a pastor friend of his, "I don't care if they're gay, just stay in the closet!" he laughed. "The way they're flaunting it now..."
"I don't agree with that," I said quietly, my heart racing. "They're not flaunting it..."
"Yes, they are..."
"No. They're not..."
He nodded, and I shook my head, as the subject trailed off, and he mentioned yet another fault of Obama.
That was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and the scariest, yet it doesn't feel like enough. It never feels like I have stood up to my family enough.
On the way home, my mother and I were talking about what had happened. She had also argued with him about the Rapture (she doesn't believe that it's a very sound doctrine), and both she and I about the "lost gospels." It was my impression that he accepted whatever his favorite speakers or pastors said at face value, and thought that that was enough--and that I was a foolish child for thinking otherwise.
"I'm not casting my pearls before swine," my mother said, shaking her head. "He just doesn't want to listen."
"If we keep arguing like this, I might let it slip to our family sometime that I consider myself an atheist," I added. "Would that be okay with you?" I asked, a little nervous. I thought that she would be okay with it, but wanted to warn her ahead of time and make sure.
"Be yourself!" she enunciated. "That's fine by me; you'll get the sad looks, and not me!" she scoffed facetiously.
It's hard to get over the hurdle of being afraid to speak up, afraid of being hit or physically intimidated. Though I don't think he would hit me or physically threaten me today, especially since I have taken two years of martial arts and have fiercely, violently protective parents, the fear is still there. It may be there for a while, until I feel more comfortable and get more confidence speaking my mind, as he often does.
But I decided to buy two flag pins, an LGBTQ rainbow pride flag and a bisexual pride flag, to wear to family functions, and therefore "flaunt it."
The rainbow flag will probably be easily recognized, while the bisexual flag will probably need explaining, which I would be happy to do if asked.
I don't know if he will notice the tiny pins, or say anything, but a couple of my relatives often wear Christian parody t-shirts, so why can't I wear my beliefs on my sleeve as well?
It will be good for my younger cousins to see that I don't parrot the Official Family Opinion. I don't have to say anything unless asked, either. But it potentially provides a good opportunity to be open about both my beliefs and my sexuality, as well.
I also received a rainbow ribbon pin for attending the LGBTQ workshop, so that I have three pins to wear now. I would be happy to explain how I got the workshop pin, too.
My mom laughed when I told her that I got the bisexual flag pin because I thought I was bi, but even if I wasn't, I would still say that I was in front of our family. I have been majorly spanked in the comment sections of pro-gay articles for suggesting that very tactic, but I do think that people who are straight and are in a good place to do so could benefit the LGBTQ community by telling their bigoted family members that they are bi.
One person said that that was not a good idea because some people saw bisexuality as a betrayal, for not "choosing" one gender. I say, that's all the more reason to do so! I'm not talking about Facebook statuses or marching in pride parades, being "in the closet" in reverse. I'm talking about dropping a bombshell, shocking your friends and family to hopefully make it easier on those not in such good situations.
I have supportive friends and family, while others do not. If I can "take the fall" for others and be the one to give my family their Tolerance Training Wheels, I would be one very happy woman. And if my family hears of my bisexuality and decides to tell me what to do, I hope I can remember to say that I don't recall making them my lord and savior, that I didn't ask for their Ten Commandments, and that what I do is between me and God, not me and them (because I still think about God sometimes, though I think that practically speaking, from what we know now, God is not likely to exist).
I do have some hope for my family, though: Though he tends to ask my mother and me to come to church with him every few months, and is a worrier, my grandfather did express support for a lesbian couple a few months ago.
My grandmother mentioned a woman my mother knew, and added, "I guess her daughter moved in with her girlfriend."
"Oh, I don't care about that, Mom," my own mom replied, "I'm just glad they both found someone to love."
"That's right!" my grandfather agreed, strongly.
My mom says she almost fell off her chair.
I guess that couple goes to church.

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