(Here is part two.)
I am in college, and this is already turning out to be a very interesting school year. Just the other day, in fact, I heard a gay man say that LGBT people "take things too personally" when it comes to hate speech.
(Such a conversation came up seemingly out of nowhere. I was thrilled to be talking about something so important with people whom I had only known for three weeks. In this class, Beginning Acting, I find a very different dynamic from any other classes I have taken. Perhaps because the students are very involved in working with each other, or perhaps because my teacher loves her job, my class is one of the friendliest, most supportive places I have ever seen. Though all schools are unique, I would highly recommend an acting class to someone who is thinking about it, or wants more confidence in "real life.")
"I've heard that people hate me because I'm gay, but it hasn't really affected me all that much, them hating me just because I suck cock," this young man, whom I'll call Harrison, mentioned. "I mean, I've had stuff yelled at me, but it hasn't really made me feel bad about myself. I guess people take things too personally."
"Well, I'm bi," a girl I'll call Debbi answered, "and it's not really a problem for me, except that I live across the street from a militant Christian," she said tiredly.
"Oh," Harrison nodded knowingly.
"I think that a lot of people's problems comes from their families," I remarked. "For example, my family are conservative Christians, and I don't believe that God is likely to exist. I'm an atheist. But I don't tell them that because of how they'd react to it."
I tried to be light and casual about it, but at the same time I was telling them a secret, something my family didn't know. I shrugged as I said it, saying the word "atheist" with a fake grimace. I acted this way in the hope of trying to appear friendly and not confrontational or militant. But I thought that being gay and bi, they would be less likely to be shocked.
This struck me as a very important milestone. It was the first time I had told anyone other than my mother that I was an atheist and didn't believe. I considered it the first step on my way to being fully..."out." I was quite proud of myself.
"Well, I could picture gods," Debbi said thoughtfully. "But not the Christian god."
"Yeah, that's pretty extreme," I nodded.
"And the Christian religion we have today isn't even the same as what it originally was," Harrison added. "The bible, for example..."
Thus began a long discussion about mistranslations, omissions, and appropriation of pagan symbolism for holidays. Though I can't quite recall everything that was said, I learned that "Eve" meant "one who completes a person," but was mistranslated as the word "helper."
Debbi eventually drifted away, and another student, John, came in. John is fascinated by everything, and expounds on everything from crossbows, to burial practices, to genetically modified plants. I try to come early to school, to hear his "lectures" and watch his face light up in excitement.
Oh boy, I thought, as he started in on the Christian Apocrypha. We just made his day!
Later I was thinking of Harrison's and Debbi's reactions, wondering if I had been correct in my assumption that they wouldn't be shocked.
In an improvised skit last week, I had seen Harrison walk into a "KFC" and try to give his scene partner, the "cashier," a Christian pamphlet. "What is this? I will not worship your chicken-god!" he shouted indignantly. "Big Bird did not die for your sins!" Afterwards another student demanded to know if he had accepted Colonel Sanders as his lord and savior. He shook his head, smiling. I had wondered at the time if he had had experience with taking crap from Christians.
During our conversation he had not said anything about his own family, or mine. I wondered if his family was supportive of him, or if he had some painful memories too. I know for me that my family are the only ones I fear can hurt me, and not by becoming angry, but by my causing them pain.
I guessed that Debbi was a pagan or Universalist of some kind. I hadn't had the chance to tell her that I loved the Wiccan concept of the Earth Goddess, Mother Gaiea, I just didn't want to believe in something for the wrong reason, just because I wanted it to be true.
Harrison talked of the inaccuracies of the bible and the Christian religion. Was he agreeing with me, sharing an interesting fact...or perhaps trying to make me see that god himself wasn't so bad? Was he "witnessing" or trying to "plant a seed?"
My companions might have had some misconceptions about atheists or atheism, but I didn't think either of them was very shocked. I couldn't think of a way to "soften the blow" anymore than I did, either, so I concluded that my method of delivery was effective.
I thought a lot about what Harrison had said, though, about taking things too personally. I strive to be as emotionally strong as he seems to be, but I didn't think that that sentiment was very compassionate to those who were hurting. Was he basically telling them to "get over it?" Did I just need to "get over it" when something hurt me?
Wait a minute, I thought. Am I...taking this personally?
Who was I to say that he was being too insensitive, presuming to know more about the gay community than he did? And yet I thought that I had experienced something at least a little similar to what some LGBT people went through. I had been made to feel bad before when I didn't agree with something a youth pastor or Christian school teacher had said. I knew something about being sensitive, about "taking things personally."
You cannot tell someone not to take something personally, or how to feel. Some people are still getting over indoctrination or brainwashing or dysfunctional family dynamics. Some people are not strong enough yet to not be hurt, at least on some level.
And some people need to recognize that they're hurting, and choose to love themselves anyway. You can't even tell yourself how to feel, so why not love yourself, every part of yourself...even the part of you that is hurting, that is causing you pain?
But there is a kernel of truth to what he had said: In a strange way, it isn't personal. No one can look into your soul and know everything about you. No one can know everything about your character. No one can judge you as a whole, only bits and pieces. Who you have sex with, or how you view god, is only one part of you.
When someone takes that part of you, and makes it all of you in their mind, yes, it hurts, because it's a form of objectification, and it especially hurts if it's someone you trust. But their views of you cannot be accurate, because one act, or one activity, or one part of you, does not make you or break you. To be human is to be a mixture of "good" and "bad" traits.
In other words, other people cannot accurately judge your "bad" traits, because they are not you.The people who judge you are not you, and your "bad" traits are not you either.
And the people who judge you cannot speak for god, because an omnipotent god could very easily find a way to speak to you directly, and not use fallible humans who would be insensitive and only hurt you, thereby making you less likely to receive the message.
So I guess I learned something useful (which I could keep in mind when my family finds out how I really believe), even from someone whom I at first thought was too "insensitive." And ironically, what I learned makes me feel a whole lot better, even if it's normally very hurtful to imply that someone needs to "just get over it."
If I could say anything to those who are hurting from someone else's words, it would be this: You will feel better in your own time, but know that the thing they are judging you for is only one part of you. They cannot judge accurately because they don't know your motivations, and they can't see the whole.
(Here is a sequel to this post.)
Send me an email at: atheistjourneysblog@gmail.com
Follow or tweet me here: https://twitter.com/atheistjourneys
No comments:
Post a Comment