Wednesday, June 25, 2014

A Message For Those Who Would Share Their Faith

When I was a teenager, I felt a lot of pressure to "share my faith" with everyone I met (though I wonder now if this faith was really mine). Because it made me feel very uncomfortable, I wish most of all that someone had convinced me that I didn't have to do it, or at least asked me to keep these suggestions in mind:


1. Remember the purpose of conversation. When people are having a conversation with you, they are trying to find common ground. They are trying to find things that both of you have in common or agree on. Even friendly debates are possible because the parties have at least agreed to be nice to each other.
If you insist on talking about your religion, and they do not share it or wish to talk about it, this can reinforce the idea of distance between you and the other person, especially if you have just met or are strangers.
People cannot be shamed or judged into becoming better people or accepting your beliefs or viewpoints. If the purpose of talking about your religion is to reassure yourself that you are a good Christian, Muslim, etc, or that you're better than these backsliders or heathens, then don't be surprised if people start avoiding you.

2. Don't go into it with any assumptions or agendas. People can sense when you have an agenda. That is why, if the subject of religion is suddenly brought up, and does not naturally come up on its own (no matter how subtly you think you're steering the conversation), people are going to get uncomfortable.
Most of all, be respectful of others' life experiences. When I meet someone who is religious, and does not seem insecure about their beliefs, I conclude that they must have had different experiences in life than me, experiences which have convinced them of God's existence or of someone guiding their life. I have had different experiences, and so have come to different conclusions.

3. Acknowledge their goodness. Saying something like, "It sounds like you really care a lot about animals," or, "You seem like a very compassionate person," goes a long way to getting the other person to try to see things your way. They know now that you're on their side, that you see them as a person, and not another lost soul to save or enemy to defeat in debate.
After acknowledging their goodness, however, that is not the time to say something like, "You know who else had compassion on us?" Which brings me to my next point...

4. Don't act as if they've never heard of your religion. For westerners at least, acting as if they've never heard the gospel, quoting scripture at them (which they've probably heard before), or thinking that they just need to hear it your way, or one more time, is very condescending.
It's better to say something like, "You've obviously heard of Jesus--heard the 'gospel message.' What is it about Christianity that turns you off?" Then please remember...

5. Don't feel as if you have to have all of the answers to their questions or objections. Don't be afraid to admit that you don't know, or that you struggle with that same issue. Above all, don't gloss over the big, unanswered questions by affirming that you're just going to trust God, or that we'll know the answers some day. For people who have trouble trusting God, or who cannot believe because of their questions, this is very frustrating.

When it comes to talking about religion, it is very easy to do it wrong, but it's also very easy to get it right. The important thing to remember is to be nice, respectful, and open to listen to the other person's story. This goes for unbelievers as well.

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Dialogue In A Diner

 Question: How many philosophical and moral questions can you pack into about five minutes total of dialogue?

Answer: More than you think. 

This is based on an actual conversation I overheard the other day:

"How do you like my new Jesus t-shirt? I don't wear anything else...I just felt like the Lord wanted me to give that money away, so I gave $160 to the Sunday School class. I feel so good about that!" (I knew which church it was, and the Sunday School class had about ten kids in it.) "Excuse me, Waiter, this has onions in it. I can't stand them!" (The waiter apologized profusely and took it back.) "I can't believe the service we got when we went to pizza last Friday. We were waiting over an hour! People who came after us got seated before us. I said something, and the hostess said they were busy. I said, 'Look, people who got here after us are already seated.' That's when they finally found a seat for us. I didn't want to leave a tip, but my husband felt bad about not leaving a tip. We didn't leave as much as usual, though."
Here someone else chimed in, very sternly. "I would have said, 'My time is just as valuable as yours. I'm leaving.'"
Another person, grinning: "There's this diner that we like to go to all the time, and we give the waitress a hard time. One time she said, 'I think I deserve a $20 tip today.' And I said, 'Yes, you do deserve $20.' So when the bill came I ripped a twenty in half and left half there for her. Every time we came in after that, she'd wave that half-a-twenty in front of her, and I'd say, 'Maybe today. We'll see.' But after a while I finally gave her the other half."
And another person, after a little while: "Mrs. Smith's son and daughter-in-law are both doctors, and for her birthday they gave her a brand-new van that must have cost thirty or forty thousand dollars!"
"Oh, forty thousand dollars doesn't even touch that van!"
"Well, they gave her the keys in a jewelry box, and she said she thought it was a diamond necklace to match the diamond earrings they gave her last year."
Twenty-ripper to waiter: "Thanks for the plates and forks. Do you want some of our pie? Go get yourself a piece of pie."
He did.

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Friday, June 20, 2014

Values And Love

About a month ago I attended a "community conversation" organized by a local college. The topic was Values. I expected a spirited discussion about where people derive their values, how they live their lives, or even what their values are. I was looking forward to hearing from others what they thought were the most important values to live by. I was a bit disappointed, as the topic focused mostly on the different kinds of value: financial, personal, artistic, etc, and how people see value. Fascinating in itself, though it did not tell me a lot about other people's lives and experiences.

As an atheist I have been thinking about my own values a lot lately.  Many people talk about love as the ultimate value, as what makes one a moral person. I believe love has been overrated because it is too vague a term to describe one's values. A lot of people, I believe, don't know how to love others properly. Because they don't understand what love is, or what the other person needs from them, they can still end up hurting people.

I wanted to describe the ideals I value most. I thought of adding love to this list, but I now realize that this is what I believe love is, that this is the way I want to be "loved" (or treated) and try to love or treat others.

These things are what I believe we should all strive for:

1. Honesty. There is more to honesty than not telling lies. I appreciate it when people are upfront about what they want and how they feel. Though I feel it best right now not to shock most of my family with the word "atheist," I try to be honest about how I feel and what I believe about religion, when the subject comes up.

2. Empathy. Empathy is being in such a state that when others are hurting, one hurts alongside them. It is the act of putting yourself in someone else's shoes. The most difficult people to be around, the bullies and the "jerks," have little or no empathy for others. I believe lack of empathy is the cause of almost all social problems--and evil--in the world. I don't think one can be a good person without empathy for both people and animals.

3. Regard For Life. This is a natural extension of empathy, but goes beyond the point of killing an animal or person "humanely." This life may be all we have, so I think we should make sure that all of us get as much of it as possible.

Of course I am not saying that I am at all a shining example of any of these things, but these are the values that I try to live by. These are the behaviors that I believe will make the world a better place, and make our own lives better as well. Life becomes easier when you are able to be completely honest, especially to and about yourself. The world becomes friendlier when we show empathy to others (again, people and animals--caring for animals can provide a lot of pleasure to humans), and value their and our own lives. If love is indeed the highest value, then this is what I believe love is.

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Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Hugs And Fishes

A few days ago I attended a family get-together. When I arrived, one of my relatives made a beeline right for me.
"You remember that fishing trip we went on a few years ago? You want to go again?" she asked excitedly.
The trip she was referring to, incidentally, was a church trip. Her church was doing it again and she wanted me to come along.
I had gone a few years ago (though I wasn't part of her church), and had had a great time, but as it was an all-day trip I didn't feel like repeating it this year. But since it was nice that she was including me, and since she seemed so excited, I said I would think about it.
However, there was one thing about this conversation that amused me, and it was this: she had had her arm around me the whole time. My mind flashed back to a few years ago, when my grandfather put his arms around my mother and me and invited us to church with him (as I mentioned in a previous post, "The Funeral").
So my family had a "tell," it seemed, a common pattern of body language. If they were "witnessing" to you, they were probably hugging you too.(Though my extended family does not know that I am an atheist, I do get the impression that they are concerned by the fact that my parents and I do not attend church.) It all made me wonder: Did a day on the river count as "church?"

On the way home later, after I had related my unusual experience that day, my mother remarked, "I thought it would be a nice thing for us to go to church with them, but I don't know how to explain to your grandfather that it would be a one-time thing, that we came just to see him."
"You think he would be worried about our relationship with God?" I asked, thinking I already knew the answer.
"Yeah. I mean, I hope there's a god," she said. "I keep praying that God would show me that He's real."
This came as a surprise to me. "I thought you were fairly certain?" I said.
"Maybe I'm just getting older and more uncertain," she shrugged.
I was secretly glad I was no longer trying so hard to find God. My search for answers had caused me a lot of anxiety and frustration over the years. I did not say any of this, though, not wanting to disparage her search for truth.
An interesting thing I've noticed about her, though, is this: When she talks about God, she never hugs me. I am grateful to be a fellow traveler on the journey through life, and not a lost soul causing her to worry.

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Thursday, June 12, 2014

Lord Won't You Buy Me A Mecedes-Benz

Some Christians are impressed when clergy or other Christians drive expensive cars, as they are apparently blessed by God. Others don't like it, saying that it's a bad example for someone serving God. As an atheist I don't believe anyone is really serving God, though sometimes people do serve others with their actions. 
Some people don't care what others are driving, others are envious of their apparent wealth, and some say that people who drive fancy cars are all jerks (I knew one guy who said that, until he got a shiny new car!).

While attending a special church function last year (a family member was helping and I felt I had to come), I found myself surveying a parking lot full of shiny, attractive cars, most of them used but only a few years old, and in the higher middle range price-wise; and my mother's one white Honda that's about twenty years old. The more expensive the model, it seemed, the more conservative the owner's beliefs. I found it strange that the car from the early nineties with peeling paint brought an atheist and a Christian with more liberal beliefs; some people say that the things of the world pull one away from God.
When I was a Christian, I was influenced a lot by the writings of K.P. Yohannan, founder of the missionary organization Gospel For Asia. I was amazed at the revelation of just how rich modern westerners really were. I read about his first time in America, the immense culture shock, his surprise at everyday conveniences like running water and the modern highway system. Then I looked around at all of the "stuff" I had and I felt guilty and disgusted.

A few years back, I had a job where I made more spending money than I had ever made before. Though most would not consider what I made very much, my expenses were low and it was quite a bit by my standards. But after a while, I was unhappy. Since making and spending money was my main preoccupation, I felt bored, depressed, like I had no dimension to my life. Though the money itself didn't cause it, I was stuck in a rut.
Then about a year ago I lost that job and had to take another with much lower pay. It was perhaps what I needed. I began to write again. I started planning my future career. I focused on enjoying the things I had, and saying no to some of my shopping impulses. Now I feel like my old self again, before the money took over my life, only it seems like there's more to me now. I have learned a valuable lesson and am more of myself now.
Because I was stuck in my habits, the best thing for me was losing income. I couldn't afford to buy worthless things, only things that truly made me happy.
I learned more about myself, and I think also about human nature.
And as I surveyed the expensive late-model cars parked all around me, I wondered if such status symbols made their owners truly happy. I sincerely hoped so. But I couldn't bring myself to believe that they did.


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What I Know Of Joy

"How many Christians do you know who are joyful?" my mom asked me the other day. "I should say, how many who go to church are joyful?"
That made me laugh. "Are you joyful?" I asked.
"I don't go to church; of course I'm joyful."
That amused me even more. Christians are apparently happier when quarantined. Who knew?
In Christian school I was taught that the word "Joy" was actually an acronym for "Jesus, Others, You." I was taught this by grumpy old ladies. It was a bit of a mixed message.
I've heard some preachers say that joy and happiness are not the same thing. Knowing what I know now, it kind of sounds like a cop-out.
In church as a child, we sang about trading our sorrows for the joy of the Lord. But the chorus, "Yes, Lord, yes, Lord, yes, yes, Lord," even then sounded like sex to me. I watched TV, I knew what it was supposed to sound like. This song still makes me very uncomfortable. I wonder how the Lord really gives us joy...After all, you can't spell "joy" without the "O."
I had heard once that the name Pocahontas meant "mischief and joy." I think the two often go together quite nicely, though I'm sure a lot of religious people I know would disagree.
I don't think I have ever known "the joy of the Lord," and I have my doubts as to whether such a thing even exists. What I know of joy is that I have had to learn to give myself joy, instead of praying for joy and waiting for it to show up. I believe that having joy is a skill that must be learned and practiced, every day, like any other skill.
Many people, often but not always religious people, are negative or critical and threaten to rob you of your joy, dragging you down to their black moods, even if they don't intend to. I try to avoid these people as much as possible. Life is very short, and there may be no eternity, after all.
I should ask my mother how many atheists she knows that are joyful. I like to think she knows at least one.

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Tuesday, June 10, 2014

The Funeral

"Why don't you sit by your grandfather?" my mother suggested as we walked in. "He would like that."
"Okay."
I gave him a brief hug and settled into the seat next to him. Throughout the memorial service, my eyes kept going back to his face. He takes grief hard, like I do. My mom had said often that people in our family sometimes "died of a broken heart." My grandfather's face betrayed no emotion. I wondered what he was thinking.
After the service, he said he wanted to talk to both of us. He put one arm around my shoulders and the other around my mother's. "Can you both do me a favor?" he asked.
"What is it, Dad?" my mom asked, obviously as puzzled as I was.
"Just promise me you'll do me this one favor."
"What is it?" I asked.
"What do you need, Dad?"she repeated.
"Can you go to church with me on Sunday?" he pleaded, like someone begging their child to quit taking drugs.
My body instantly stiffened. My mother pulled back from him. "Dad, we can't do that; you know how busy we are this weekend!" she said.
My grandfather threw up his hands and moved away like we'd physically struck him, as with perfect timing another relative caught my mom's attention and started up a conversation.
I stared after him, my mouth open. I now knew exactly what he was thinking about throughout the service. I could probably describe his exact thought process, in fact...unless he was planning to use the funeral as an "opening" all along.
I wondered then if I was forever destined to cause him grief.

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